giving thanks.

i spent the last four days shooting a short ten minute film. and so when i said i was heading into the belly of the beast of fear--it was in the best possible way. a really, really good forward (albeit, sometimes terrifying) movement. 

and when it was all said and done, and as i took the long subway home from queens, i thought, i have no words for this. it was not the failure of words, nor their inadequacy--simply the absence of them. it was a calm and peace and utter stillness--a gratitude that filled me, of such depth as i've never felt before. gratitude for the countless mistakes and failures that led me to this moment. gratitude for a story that was not easy or simple and certainly not over. 

remember when i tweeted that one of my new year's resolutions was going to be to finally start a book club...

well...

1. it's amazing that i tweeted anything at all, because--let's be honest--i'm not a champion twitter-er.

and 2. i'm thinking if i actually make good on my tweet, then good things will surely follow.

so mark it down:

book club 

(yes, i'm calling it book club--just that--don't hate)

Sunday, February 13.

1:00 pm.

be there or be square. 

if you're in new york city (or nearby), please come. 

i don't want to hear any of this, oh i'm a stranger--she'll think i'm weird for showing up--yada, yada, yada. 

nonsense, i'm inviting you. and i expect you to be there. 

now the only question remaining: 

what shall be our first read?

suggestions, suggestions... (please).

{if you will be able to attend

please email me for directions

and details.}

photo: my friend vicky took and then tagged me 

this photo after posting it to facebook--

said it reminded her of me. 

that simple though simply made my day. 

a snow-filled stroll through the park.

i found myself sobbing in central park last friday. big, loud walloping sobs as i plodded through the falling snow.

and it felt so damn good.

i cry often in new york. at the most inopportune times. in the strangest--and most public--of places. my saving grace is that i'm a quiet crier. small, silent tears.

but on friday, in the park, amongst all that snow and white and absolute quiet i unleashed some powerful sobs. it seemed safe there. as though all that space and white would quickly swallow them up.

it wasn't a sadness that prompted the tears. well, yes, i suppose it was sadness. but it was the sadness of someone else. a stranger. and a stunning display of humanity that i wasn't meant to see. and that person's unfurling stirred my own residual silt. and just exactly as new york was transformed into a snow-globe, i witnessed my own inner swirling. of past emotions--failings and frustrations and countless mistakes. and it seemed so dirty this inner silt. so dark, so different than the the white before me, the white beneath my feet.

but as i walked, and as i sobbed, i felt the dark pieces fall out of me. and no, i didn't look back. but i knew. knew the snow swallowed them whole.

for me snow, more than anything else, is about healing and rebirth.

the post that didn't happen today. and left us with this.

i was going to do a post today entitled:

physique 57: the three month update


because yes, i've been doing it for three months. can you believe that? i can't. it feels like weeks. or years. but not three months.

and the post was going to be a fed (and remission of ned) update. because they're all connected--exercise and food and mental acuity, or some such.

but alas. the post did not happen.

and i'm sitting here typing this with a bag of ice under my left foot wondering if i have a deeply pulled muscle in the ball of my foot. or if it's a stress fracture. and please God, don't let it be a stress fracture.

(and maybe i have some cream on my upper lip to curb the encroaching female lip hair {read: mustache}). too much sharing? oh man, i'm never gonna find someone willing to tolerate this crazy.

and the laundry that i was meant to do a week ago is just now in the washer.

i'm thinking at the end of this month i might throw a party just to celebrate january's inevitable end (and it is inevitable, right?).

that is all for today. pathetic, i know.

i leave you with a gratuitous self-portrait. (because i read somewhere that people who constantly take photos of themselves end up looking the best on camera because they learn all their angles and how to be confident and yada, yada, yada...and because i have this thing (read: tremendous fear) of having my picture taken i've been working on it...

anywhoo.

see you back here tomorrow for the physique update?

january plows (bulldozes, rather) on.

it was not a great day. i won't bore you with the details (because in the grand scheme of thing--they're all just details) but let's just say: it. was not. a great. day.

it certainly doesn't help that i got a wee of a pinpoint headache two days before the new year which grew and grew and grew and then seemed to explode on the first of january. but with a little medicine and a good night of sleep it passed.

but alas it appeared again. this morning. on the opposite side.

i get these headaches  at the back of my head to the right and the left of the occipital joint. (yup, i said occipital joint--that's juilliard schooling for you, i did learn some impressive things).

go ahead and google search pinpoint headaches. occipital pinpoint headaches, at that. and see how you feel after reading some of the literature out there. (this is why doctors tell patients not to google. and not to panic).

so i'm not panicking. because it's probably just stress. (and january).

yup, it's probably just january.

because perhaps the things that made today so... very-not-good... will--in the end--prove bountiful blessings:

the gift of time. the impetus to move on from relationships that are no longer meaningful. the courage to take risks.

time will tell. and tomorrow is a new day.

(and yes, i dare say january is the practice-round for the rest of the year--it's okay if it's something of a disaster. in fact, why not fail a lot now?).