i didn't want to get out of bed this morning. which is how i know things are not quite right.
there are others hints too, i suppose.
the ever-deepening lines on my forehead.
my right eye that's been twitching intermittently for a month a half now.
a nagging lower back pain.
i've had two jobs for so long now that i can't remember a time when i wasn't rushing form one to the other.
but i'm in the long-transitional-period in which i whittle my way down to one.
and so for a month now, a month? more than a month? i've been working 50 hour weeks. and i'm spent.
does it sound as though i'm complaining?
i am.
i've gotten really, really good at complaining recently.
the funny thing is that as it all nears to an end it doesn't get easier as you'd suspect, but harder.
i feel like i'm gonna need a week off. to soak in epsom salts. to eat nothing but kale and fruit (i'd never actually do this). to reset the body to a normal, healthy state.
plenty of people work 50 hour weeks you say? 80 hour weeks? i know, i know! how do they do it?
i offer only this up in my defense...these jobs....as wonderful as they are, as much as i've learned from them, as thankful as i am for the money they deposit into my now growing savings account, they are not my dream. they are not the career. i want to be a writer, an actor, one of those band groupies, an activist, a presidential staffer...oh hell, i don't know. but something more. and so in addition to those 50 hours is all the time traveling to and from home so i can sit in front of this little screen and write. and in doing so unearth my future--or so i hope.
as anyone who's ever had an eating disorder, or eating issue really, knows....they're all about delay, avoidance. the mantra becomes oh well, when i lose 5 lbs, 10 lbs, i'll do it. until then, no. and if those pounds are never lost the thing is never done. and in ones' path is a wake of all the things set aside, neglected, perpetually put off--a life, usually. a life deferred.
with work consuming all of my time, i've had to put things off. and i don't want to. i want to charge forward, but there isn't the time. and i know the reason for putting things off is different than it was 3, 4, 5 years ago, but because it is familiar and terrifying territory, panic ensues.
up, there goes my right eye. twitching again.
this is all to say if i've seemed (continue to seem) a little bit silent, you know the reason why. and i humbling beg your patience.
oh lord, i just wrote all that, and today is memorial day...a day to celebrate and remember those who've given the ultimate sacrifice for this country. i'm a boob. forget everything i've just said and think about that--the true spirit of this holiday.
Uncategorized
book club. and a wee of a tea at...oh, you know, random house.
somehow, someway i got myself on some list. and this list yielded an invitation to a random house reader's circle tea.
and because i'm trying to adopt a philosophy of why not? i went.
despite the fact that i didn't know anyone, despite the fact that upon entering the elevator i was asked if i was a blogger and if i was did i have a card (i did not), despite the fact that fear usually wins out...
i went.
and it was swank.
grapefruit mimosas.
a tote to fill with books. (free books!).
a speech given by lisa see.
swank! i say.
this does remind me, however, i have yet to announce a book club date for bossypants.
june 4 (trying something new with a saturday): 2:30 pm. same location as our last meeting (if you've forgotten or didn't attend the last go round send me an email at wilybrunette@yahoo.com).
as always, we welcome new readers, new attendees, and encourage boyfriends and husbands alike!
this is the email i got from my father this morning.
amazing.
one of those (perfect) days.
today was one of those lovely and perfect new york city days. a walk through central park. coffee and grapefruit with a girlfriend in a midtown cafe with dark wooded walls and windows thrust open. lunch at the restaurant above my upper west side grocery mart of choice. a delightful chai latte from a new (to me) local coffee shop, the sensuous bean (go, go, go--it's such a lovely experience). and an hour of just sitting. on a bench on central park west. marveling at the green of the trees above and cool air that the threat of rain ushered in. it was a day of small and simple joys. one of those necessary days that just really fills you up.
here's hoping friday and weekend prove much the same.
i've hung some goals.
i've been thinking a lot about goals lately. little one. small ones that might help reveal some stuff about those big life questions.
and because i'm a person that needs to see them, to write them down, i've hung them as a little banner above my desk.
yes, i know, i'm twenty-five. shouldn't i have figured out some of this stuff much sooner? shouldn't i be good at saving money and making plans and bringing my dreams to fruition?
well, i'm working on it okay, one little flag of my banner at a time.
what do you do to motivate yourself? how do you remind yourself of your goals?