me: should i put an emoticon in this text?
natalie: no.
me: why not?
natalie: because he's not an actor.
me: oh.
(silence)
but he put an emoticon in one of his texts.
natalie: oh, should be fine then.
i'm finally coming round to emoticons, but don't get me started on emojicons....
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i'm still working on my own "letter for our daughters"
two days ago i posted this. about this. i'm working on my own letter right now. and this is what i got so far:
... there's no such thing as perfect. it doesn't exist.
you don't owe a man love simply because he loves you. you don't choose who you love. you will fall in love for better or for worse mostly against your will. what you do with that love--that will be the choice, yes. but don't attempt to give love to a man simply because you think you should.
should. a mostly terrible, unhelpful word. get rid of it. throw it out. eradicate it from your vocabulary. and build a vocabulary. be better read than the person next to you. intelligence is not a liability. don't apologize for what you know or how you know it.
you're going to have some bad first kisses in your life. and then, when you least expect it there will come one that undoes you in a long, gentle whoosh. head to toe. it doesn't mean you'll marry this man or even see him again. it means it was one. hell. of a kiss.
real power doesn't ever diminish another person. your success doesn't mean another person's failure.
there's going to come a day when you're skiing and the conditions are less than ideal and there's more ice on the slope than you know what to do with and so you give up a little control and your turns will be smaller and you'll be moving faster than ever before and you'll find that actually, oh, this is where control lives. take this metaphor with you into the world--take this lesson. but be brave enough to give up in the first place.
figure out what you love and never apologize for it.
loving yourself and investing in that love does not make you self-centered or an egoist or too proud. it makes you about as smart as you can ever hope to get in this life. that love becomes the well-spring of faith and empathy and imagination and boundless courage...
thing is, i want to know what you all would write. in fact the blog exists primarily because of reader submissions, so why not write your own? i sure as hell would love to read it.
the conversation.
writing comes in fits and spurts. always.
i'm at the place now that i'm just looking for inspiration.
so instead of sitting down and writing this morning, i'm watching lifetime's the conversation, on the advice of my dear friend (and giantess among women) claire.
the show is startling. beautiful. women we've watched, women we respect, women spilling their truths, their hearts, their vulnerability.
you have to watch it.
letters for our daughters (Emma).
I spent some time with my eleven year old cousin last year for the first time (we've lived in different countries for most of her life), and came away from the experience absolutely, totally committed to her having a powerful, wonderful future. It scares me to know the kinds of obstacles and pain she's likely to face as a young girl growing into a woman over the next few years, and I'm disappointed that due to geographical distance, I'm not going to be able to be around to help support her in being strong in the face of those battles.
So I had a think about what I could do to provide something for her from a distance; what gift could I give her that would allow me to fulfil my commitment to her being supported and empowered as a female? The answer I came up with was: 'the combined wit, wisdom and wondrousness of all of the women of the world'
-Natasha
such began an email i got a few weeks ago that led me to the blog Letters For Our Daughters.
last night i began drafting my own letter but it's still in the fledgling stage and because the blog is already a favorite place to go for inspiration and enlightenment i thought i'd share one of my favorite letters to date.
Enjoy!
5. Emma
I have only one piece of advice to give, and it is a question. Many women ask themselves questions all the time: ‘Is that fat free? Have I fed my child only organic food? Am I being oppressed by a post-industrial capitalist patriarchy? What are cankles?’ And so on. While having a baby, I was given patchouli oil on a stick as pain relief. ‘That’, I thought to myself, ‘is bullshit.’ Shortly afterwards, I had diamorphine administered directly to my spine. I’m not telling you to try either of these, but quite by accident it provided me with the best of all questions, and my gift to you:
‘Is it bullshit?’
It can be easy to answer. But sometimes the bullshit can be hard to spot. Below, is my advanced checklist:
1. Does it make me happy?
If this is the case, carry on! It is therefore not bullshit, and no other questions need to be asked.
2. Do I have to buy anything?
You don’t have to buy stuff to feel good about yourself. This took me 20 years and an unfortunate couple of months wearing harem pants to work out. Ask yourself:
Do you feel unable to grasp what is happening in Syria unless it is explained next to a picture of some shoes? If so, you are reading Grazia magazine. Put it down.
Does the advertising feature a subliminal shot of Rachel Weisz jogging while pushing a buggy? It is definitely bullshit.
3. ‘The science bit’
People are going to tell you a lot of stuff that is definitely true because it is called science. You may be under the impression, as is the hair product industry, that you cannot ‘hear’ science unless, like a dog whistle just for ladies, it is related to you on the frequency of Jennifer Aniston. This is not science, this is bullshit.
Here is my checklist:
Do 9 out of 10 women agree, or has it actually been subject to a double-blind, randomized placebo controlled test?
If it’s a book telling you how to raise your kids, is it a part of a long term academic study at an accredited university? No? Is it actually just someone telling you shit that they think?
Does the book contain a soft-lit picture of the author resting their chin on their hands and wearing something floral? Yes? They are a maniac.
4. Does it make me feel like crap?
You do not get Lady Points for physical or emotional pain. Look out for this:
Is your partner a) Horrible or b) Nice? Make your mind up. Don’t put up with a).
Is it about childbirth? Does the word ‘natural’ actually mean ‘slightly better at being a woman’? This is weapons grade bullshit. Do what you want.
Is it on the Daily Mail’s website? Are you reading it ‘just for the celebrity news?’ In 14 countries outside the EU this is classified as self-harm. Don’t make me stage an intervention.
5. Does it keep me at home when I would rather not be?
It is possible that the current mania for home cooked and homemade everything… may just be about keeping you at home. I have come to know this as Homemade Bunting Bullshit. If you like to knit your own yoghurt then I love you, you are a hero. But personally, if somebody tells me to pipe home cooked lemon curd into my madeleines, I expect that to be a euphemism.
So there you are. Don’t worry! Just have a good time and know bullshit when you see it. And don’t wear harem pants.
these are the ways to love yourself (forgive yourself).
forgive yourself the golfish laden tote. forgive yourself the full trash bag by the door. six flights of stairs, out the building, and around the corner is further to go than it was before. so let the trash sit there a little longer and forgive yourself this. forgive the mess and forgive the dischord it invites. forgive the feeling of discomfort in your now home and reconcile that you're almost there, almost out. but not yet. forgive yourself the days still to go.
forgive the days you lug around the camera and then can't be bothered to pull it out. forgive the mornings you shower only to climb back into bed, altering the ritual. forgive yourself for sometimes forgetting breakfast. or not making the bed. and forgive the anger you feel. the sense of betrayal. feel it. own it. that'll be the only way it'll shift and change and move on. forgive the loss of one-time-friends. people get older. they grow up and they change and they move and priorities shift and sometimes they move on without you. and that's okay.
forgive yourself the awareness of that which you don't know and know you don't know and know you want to know. this is not a bad thing.
none of it is a bad thing. life keeps going. more slowly than you might like, but it keeps going.