building this life

Lucy and Ethel's Day of Fun. Otherwise known as, Mom and I take on Ikea.

So for my 23rd birthday, October 4, 2008, my mom and I moved. Well, my mom helped me move.
I woke in the wee hours of the morning to pack up, load the car all by my lonesome (no men needed, thank you very much), and inhale a granola bar before my mom took to the roads. With me as her wing man (or rather the place her anxiety driven comments bounced off of) we made it to the new abode in record time.
We made it, only to find the street was shut down by a parade. No worries, we found a choice parking spot around the corner and the plan was that I would lug the boxes in while my mom would survey , take measurements, and eventually come to the realization that this place was just fine and hence I would be just fine. This was the plan. And it was carried out...somewhat successfully. After lugging one box I went in search of the police in hopes that they might let us in past the barricade, after all, while the street was closed it wasn't actually on the route of the parade. The fresh-faced all of eighteen officer took one look at me (I'm sure sweat was dripping at this point, despite the cool October air), laughed, briskly said no, and returned to his partner to talk about nothing of importance. No, no? But I was moving in? Shouldn't I have been granted some pass? This blockade was the first of many we would face on this momentous day, but we were not to be deterred. I finally got all the boxes in, my mom got the measurements and off we Ikea we traipsed.
We had been the night before, after my three hour tour of Lincoln tunnel, but now we were ready to buy. Bookcase, check. Chest of drawers, check. Two separate mirrors, check. All in a very chic, very grown up, fitting for a 23 year-old, color of black-brown. We loaded the items, or rather the very heavy brown boxes housing the yet to be assembled items, onto our cart with the help of a very handsome Spaniard (this time manly assistance was a must) and I proceeded to the checkout while my mom went to pull the car around. I paid, with my own money, and went to meet her. No man around to help load boxes into car. What's a girl to do. Go in search. Detour first--hunger takes precedence. Dollar bag of animal crackers from vending machine? Yes, please. By then I realize the boxes are already in the car and my search ends before it really began. So I head of to arrange the boxes, only to be distracted by the scent of nail polish coming from my purse. It spilled, but no real damage. However, in setting my stuff down to check I sat on my animal crackers with a resounding crunch and then as I reached to salvage them I dumped them all over the floor.
With or without the crackers we headed back to the city. During the car ride the boxes kept hitting my mom and so I was assigned to fasten them into place. Pit stop at Fudruckers for burgers. Then into apartment. Lugging boxes. All by ourselves. Off to sleepy's. Swayed by salesman ( I always am) so I've got a full on hold. At this point, so tired, barely breathing. No coherent trains of thought. Back to Montclair. Buy supplies for bunny cake. Nap. Oh thank you nap, I've missed you, you brought me back to life.
The two of us, while we accomplished alot, were like chickens with our heads cut off. If something could go wrong, we not only enabled it, but seemed to encourage it. Lucy and Ethel, we just can't decide who's who. Last October we may have had the perfect visit, but yesterday...yesterday was the perfect day.

My "the Year of 23" Resolutions.

I've been thinking alot about beginnings lately. New beginnings (is it even possible to have an old beginning...off topic, back to the point). Those events that mark our lives, bookend memories and then open the next chapter. Here I am twenty-two and the whole of life is just beginning to open up to me. The future is pregnant with possibility.

So in the spirit of Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish new year) and my new numerical age I've decided I'm not going to wait around for January 1. I'm gonna make some resolutions now...and they shall be called..."the Year of 23" Resolutions (the title makes me giggle)

Smile More
Take More Pictures
Live by the Mantra: "No Shame, No Guilt, No Punishment"
Fall in Love a Hundred Times A Day
Stop Waisting All My Money on Starbucks Mocha Mint Chip Frappucino Lights
Turn My New Apartment Into A Fabulous Little Abode
Enjoy the Parks. Explore the City. Live like a Tourist (kinda)
Live on a Budget. Save, save, save and make, make, make some Money
Accept the Path which "fate has me assigned"
Risk More. Live with Courage
Put Ned to Bed. For Good.
Open my Mind to Worlds Outside My own
Fail Graciously. And Gracefully (or Flat on My Face)
Live and Speak Truthfully
Of my twenty-three years of life, this is what I know: As soon as I've got something all figured out (especially about myself), it changes. And that's the exciting part.

Couldn't it be just a little bit easier?

 
You know how I've been yearning for that good cry? How I could feel it just below the surface? How I tried to induce it by ridiculous means (aka the One Tree Hill episode about death this past week)? It came today. In the middle of the street. Surrounded by people. As my feet awkwardly clomped against the sidewalk to prevent the formation of blisters. The tears began their steady and solemn march down the terrain of my face and I was helpless to stop them. There in the midst of a gorgeous "autumn is so close to full bloom that I can feel it"  kind of day, I quietly lost it. I didn't sob, wail, or beat my breast, but rather stood there silently, tears streaming, mascara running as the people of New York milled and seethed around me. And it was then that the softest, little voice said "see, you do wanna be an actor." It was so quiet I almost missed it. A few weeks from now I'll probably wonder if I heard it at all. But it was there, carving out my future persistently and passionately in its oh so unassuming way. 
 
What brought it on you ask? Well, I had this audition. And I was hoping it might go well to balance out the audition the day before where I left thinking the director was the only person with more doubt about my ability than myself. Not to mention, as I sat in yesterday's waiting room I felt like a beached whale. Now, I've made great strides in the acceptance of my body. In fact I kinda like it. It's normal and beautiful. In the real world. In the acting world, sometimes I still feel like...well I already said it, no point in repeating the image. And by the way please someone shoot me if I spend five whole minutes in front of a mirror adjusting every possible strand of my gleaming, panteine pro-v, wouldn't you just kill for these locks because I did hair while everyone else looks on. Do it in private. But in public? By the way, it was fine, my audition today. But it was far from good. I have a strength on stage that is deceiving. Because in person, lets face it, I'm a bit of a flake. I'm kooky and bumbly (not really a word but if Shakespeare made them up, so can I) and all of the place. And the parts I'm sent out for (which are actually perfect for me) are not really any of these things--they're in there but overshadowed by a poise that I'm all together lacking in any kind of audition situation. And thus I'm left standing there saying "confidence, oh confidence why have you forsaken me?" So today I realized, its gonna take me a year. A whole year before I can expect to get any callbacks, any jobs, any real positive feedback. A year to translate what I know I can do on the stage to what I know I have to do in an audition room. And that's okay. It's my path. I've always been a late bloomer and this is just par for the course. I have so much to look forward to. Because today was the day that I decided (or maybe realized) oh yeah, see that...I do want to be an actor
 
But is it okay to say this? I wish it could be just a little bit easier. Not much. Just a little.