a new tab.

when i started this wee of a blog i was fearless.

if i wanted to post something, i'd post it. bam. done.

and maybe it's because i was pretty clueless for the most part.

but it was a blissful oblivion.

now i worry what others will think: is it interesting enough? will they like it? does it fit with the overall thrust of the blog (i know, i know, what overall thrust?). what judgement will this-a-way come? what fuel am i providing for ex-boyfriends the world over?

a few weeks ago my friend victoria suggested i share here what i'm doing to get healthy. some of my little tricks and suggestions.

and i was.    hesitant.

because i'm certainly not an authority.

and certainly other people have found more success than i. their paths have been smoother, shorter, done with more grace.

but then i was standing around with a few girls just the other week when one declared she absolutely must lose weight and so today would be the day she'd begin weight watchers again.  and i must've cringed and said that was a terrible idea (or something else totally inappropriate for the situation {i don't know this person very well}) and realizing my mistake i quickly closed my mouth and moved on to other things. but she asked what i meant, said she wanted to lose weight the healthful way. and then a third girl overhearing the conversation jumped in saying that, weight watchers is healthy and it works. and i pulled a move of undeniable stealth extracting myself by nodding and excusing myself to the bathroom or some other such refuge.

because what i could have said? what i wanted to say was that just because something works doesn't mean it's healthy. and if it really worked would our nation be fighting this obesity epidemic? and after only three months of a successful weight-watchers stint (nineteen pounds lost) i developed a raging case of bulimia that nearly destroyed me. yup, three months of weight watchers and it's taken me more than five years to recover.

this diet thing. it is so ingrained in our culture. and no one has the information to combat it.

i stopped writing--for the most part--about my nasty, little eating disorder (ned) because i didn't want it to define me. i didn't want to write about the descent when i was doing everything i could to climb out of the crater in which i'd landed. and so i took the "ned" tab down from my sidebar.

and i'm not going to. to write about the descent, that is.

but i am going to give vic's suggestion a whirl. i'm going to write about climbing out of that crater. about getting better. and stronger. about the bits and pieces that have helped me. the elimination of fake sugar from my diet (and why). and the healthy, real foods that keep me moving. about how i eat what i want, when i want it: cupcakes and ice cream included.

i am not perfect. and neither is my body. i have stretch marks. all over. and thighs that rub together. but i love my body. yes, you heard me correctly. completely and compassionately, i love my body. i will never again try to lose weight. i just won't do it. i will try to eat well, to nourish my body and strengthen my heart. and i imagine those things will peel off the pounds i no longer want or need.

but it's so not about the pounds. ya know?

for the next week i'm gonna have this little blogspot-lover focus on health, so that when it's all said and done we'll have the start of a new tab for my sidebar. a tab to replace the one that "ned" once claimed.


(still working on names though...seems like all the good ones like "living well" or some such have been claimed.

suggestions?)

physique 57: a two week update for you.

there have been two times in the last few weeks when i have forgotten to eat.

and i never forget to eat. not ever.

because i really like food. like, a lot.

but twice i've had the thought to grab breakfast. and then i'm out the door and i realize there's nothing in my stomach but i don't really have time to stop and think about it so i just keep going.

and this is how i know that i'm busy. i mean. really, really busy.

my schedule is color-coded for the first time in my life.

i have a color for babysitting. and a color for my new job. at another restaurant. which i have so many feelings about. because i'm starting to feel like it's time to jump-start my life. and so while i'm thankful for the work and the money and the surprisingly kind people, it's another restaurant. another restaurant. and hostess, babysitter, these are not careers i want to pursue. i want to be more. but...well...this is another tale fore another day. i digress. the point is i have a color for each of my many jobs and i have a color for exercise.

i'm in the middle of the monthly unlimited at physique 57. and i'm trying to get to class four to five times a week. and i don't exactly live close to either studio so it's always an event. just to get there it's an event. then there's the issue of finding a class that works around my many jobs.

this is all to say that right now my life feels a bit like a jig-saw puzzle. how can i make it all fit?

and so it would be easy to cut down on the exercise.

but i can't. i won't. nope. i love it.

there. i said it.

holy moly. i love it.

and i know it's good for me. even if it makes walking up and down the stairs difficult at times. even if i'm sore all over (at times). even if i'm absolutely, completely, unutterably ravenous, all. the. time. (which makes the fact that i've twice forgotten to eat all the more bewildering).

you want to know why i like it?

well. it's like the class takes everything i've worked so hard to learn over the last couple of years and makes it tangible. physicalizes it. it is metaphor made manifest in my body.

1. i can't compare myself to anyone else. i want to. and i try to. often. but at the end of the day the journey is my own. it doesn't matter if my leg is higher than that of the girl next to me--that doesn't mean a damn thing. no one else knows if i've gotten better or can feel if i'm curling my abs in a way that i've never done before. success is personal.

2. as you continue class after class, the pain doesn't cease. but it changes. it becomes tolerable. you can sit in it (or squat in it, as it turns out. and you will. oh my god, you will) for ten seconds then twenty then thirty. and isn't that just like life? we learn to tolerate the ups and downs--the departures from the base line. we learn to run into those moments, to really dig into them. because those are the moments of great change. and growth. and once we learn to really fully experience those moments things become a bit easier. a bit more exciting. a bit more... worthwhile.

did i say a bit? i meant a sh*t-ton.

i'm not going to tell you that the class has transformed my body in the little over two weeks i've been doing it. and i'm not going to post before and after pictures (as it turns out, there is a limit to how much i'm willing to put up on the internet)  because it's not really about that. yes, while the possibility of thinner thighs is endlessly exciting (though i think it's gonna take a bit longer than two weeks)  it's about my health. physical and mental. it's about increasing bone density and cognitive function. it's about a sense of personal accomplishment. and self-worth. self-worth more than anything else.

(picture from new saturday morning tradition of post-physique whole foods health-bar lunch)


ps: GO YANKS!

the white flag

i've been seeing dr. tom for going on two years now.

two years of ned being bearable. manageable.

partial recovery, this is called.

and so at the start of the new year, i decided it was time. time to recover just a little bit more. to push the partial more towards... full.

and so i agreed. to give in to all forms of treatment and thus learn to stand in front of a mirror and describe my body in neutral terms. when told of this treatment two years ago, i thought what fresh hell is this? occasionally over our time together Tom would bring it up--this mirror exposure thing as he called it--but one withering glance and he knew to let it rest for a while. when i am ready i thought. not before. not after.

but this new year brought new and unexpected courage. and i remembered a director in school who would say do things long before or long after you are ready. never at the moment.

and so, okay, i thought, before, before.

five times i stood in front of the mirror. five times i described the gentle slopes, long curves, geometric shapes of which i am made. and it was on the fifth time that i began to cry. and realization slowly unfurled itself.

for so long i have thought this was a battle between me and an eating disorder. and that was it (after all, wasn't that enough?). but now i know. now i know that the other battle is one between the part of myself that wants (needs) to believe in the power of thin and the part of me that recognizes what a small and laughable idea that is!

and so it was there, in front of the mirror, half-naked and tear-stained that i thought: give up. surrender. capitulate. offer this one up to the gods and say this is no longer my battle to fight.

i was toying with this idea. knowing it was in fact the answer, but fighting the last bastions of an eating disorder that claimed diets and counting calories and restricting foods could in fact-would in fact--work, when i picked up everything is illuminated, which has lied dormant on my nightstand (windowsill) for months. and there on the dog-eared page on which i left off,

for how long could we fail until we surrendered?

 

and there it was. the universe-God-whatever you choose to call it--the Holy Spirit's calming balm to my flailing spirit.

surrender, it is.

and so i surrender. i throw up the white flag. i give in and choose that wiser part of myself. and say what will be, will be. if this is it, then so be it. for love of myself and love of a life that is so much more than this thing (this nasty, nasty weaselly little thing), i. give. up.

but let me be very clear. surrender is in fact a verb. it is an active thing. a daily practice. a daily decision. daily? i lie. a near-constant decision.

because how can i make this clear? it is like... finding a new god to pray to--a new religion, a new set of beliefs. new stars by which to chart my course.

it's not easy. but it's so much better. already. the raising of the white flag. the process of stripping, standing naked and going ok, this is it. this is my body.

jeans

i liked him immediately.

because he was honest.

and so, i was honest.

immediately.

and yes, we've spoken about ned.

because ned is the answer to so many questions: why am i not acting? why didn't i like juilliard? why and why and on and on.

and where honesty is concerned, ned cannot be avoided.

and the thing is, he doesn't get it. at all.

not. at. all.

and i love that. his lack of understanding.

because it makes me feel healthy. and normal.

and the thing is, it's not for him to understand.

not for anyone, really.

my parent's don't even get it. and they know me better than anyone. and they were there. and for them--because they must heal as well--the process of coming out of this illness is coming to terms with the knowledge that they will never understand. that this thing--this, what i jokingly call ned--is an untouchable part of me.

last night he commented that he's never seen me wear a pair of jeans.

and i mentioned that i don't own any.

and in that moment i realized this was the first of the small things that would reveal ned with a certain, tangible clarity.

i can talk about it all until i'm blue in the face and i can answer all of his questions and it will be... just... words, a lip-service.

but it is the absence of jeans, the fact that i haven't owned a pair in going on four years that will reveal what i cannot--that will give way to his first glimmer of understanding.

but it is not understanding of the disease so much as the understanding that he will never understand.

and this is the understanding i fear.

because today it is a pair of jeans. and tomorrow it is the absence of photos in the family album. and from there... well, from there... i just don't know.

lets talk about food for a second. (and why i think the nyc calorie count law is not a good idea)

disclaimer: this information is not perfect.

it is rather, in my own words, as i understand it.

 

 

 

when i first met with dr. tom about, oh, a year-and-a-half ago, he said: no food is bad. no calorie is bad. calories keep us going. and if you're starving the calories in a twinkie are just as capable as saving your life as the calories in an avocado.

 

and then he went on to say, calories do not carry equal weight (no pun intended. well, kind of intended).

what he meant was this: if you are eating normally (not starving yourself) it is perfectly reasonable to sit down and have a dinner consisting of 3,000 calories. the body, because it is fed enough each day, recognizes the unnecessary influx of calories and disposes of them quickly (essentially, the body doesn't need the calories, so it doesn't use them). meaning, after that luxurious and indulgent dinner, you might wake up in the middle of the night sweating (one of the ways in which the body rids itself of the calories quickly and painlessly). this is not to say that a 3,000+ calorie dinner should be consumed on a daily or even (relatively) regular basis.

i'm not sure i can list all of the many steps i've undertaken in order to come to terms with and overcome (still working on this) my eating disorder. i do know  i have had a different focus (or priority) for each week. one week i made going to the gym a top priority. the next i tried to eat my food slowly. another, i drank copious amounts of water.

however, from the very start i armed myself with knowledge and we all know they say knowledge is power and the thing is, they're right.

so nyc passed a health provision requiring restaurants with 15+ outlets nationwide to post the caloric information on the menu in the same font and size as the item itself. so they're arming us with information. good, right? well, the thing is, they're arming us with the information they want us to have. calories are not the only (or even most important) factor, but counting calories feeds (pun definitely intended) into the billion dollar diet industry quite nicely.

so, this is what i know. and this is why i believe calorie counting to be detrimental. eating less than 1,800 calories a day (over any consistent and extended period of time) is a way of starving your body. and it literally changes the way the body responds to food--the pleasure center shifts. suddenly sweets become much more appealing (because they have more calorie per square inch and since the body knows you want give it as much food as it needs, it tries to get the most bang for its buck). this is not to say a person who eats normally doesn't have about 1,200 calories some days. but the next they might have 2,200. the body balances it out. the body figures it out. the body is always maneuvering this tight-rope act and the body does not like when we get in it's way. because, guess what? the body is smarter than we are.

i did weight watchers and ate about 1,000 calories a day. that's what they told me to do. i lost a lot of weight. and my poor body went into shock. i have spent four years trying to recover from those two months.

i lost my period immediately. i told many a doctor about this. each told me not to worry. not one of them thought to look at my diet.

i tried the cookie diet. i ate about 800 calories a day.

these are diets recommended by doctors. monitored by doctors. what's wrong with this picture?

in the end i don't even know how many fads and diets and tricks and torments i put my body through. these are the things i don't really talk about. these are the things that bring me shame.

when i did the cookie diet (for all of about a week--and to this day i can't even stomach the smell of balsamic vinegar, which i put on a bed of greens each night) i had to have several tests to ensure my body was up for it. the cost of the tests showed up on my insurance. that year when i retuned home for summer vacation, my mother pulled out the sheet and asked me what had happened (the cost, but not the details had been disclosed). honestly, i think she feared i'd aborted a pregnancy. that was a low point.

so the government wants to deal with the issue of obesity? thank god, they need to deal with it. unfortunately they might just be going about it in the wrong way.

want to lose weight? honestly, do you want to count calories everyday for the rest of your life? if you can't honestly say yes, then it's never going to work. instead, eat real food. unprocessed food. fruits and vegetables and meat. foods that when you see the list of ingredients you can pronounce each one. wanna know why you should avoid mcdonalds? let me give you a hint...its not the 540 calories in a thing of fries, it's all the chemicals you can't pronounce. you want to know why the government isn't pushing this? because it would obliterate the food industry as we know it.

dr. bob constantly gives this advice when interviewed for magazines and newspapers. his articles are published about 1/3 of the time. why so infrequently? because what he says stands in direct opposition to the advertisements that keep these publications afloat--you know, diet ads and potato chip ads and the like?

do you see now, it's a political issue. with the government fighting the lobbyists and no real change in sight.

so it's up to you. arm yourself with information. figure out what works best for you and your family. if you have a meal that by itself is over the daily recommended intake, don't sweat it, because (guess what) if your eating normally you're body will sweat it out for you. no harm done.