FED: a few thoughts from this week

i have come to realize that how i feel about my body is in large part related to the quality of food i consume.**

meaning the better the food, the better i think i look...oh, the vanity!

i've not been making great choices lately. and it's not that i've been choosing terrible foods, it's more that i haven't been choosing good foods.

good is a tricky word. what i mean by it is food that provides my body with nutrients, vitamins, energy, the promise of a long-life (or some such).

for me healthy-eating is not the default setting. it has to be a constant, front-of-the-foot motion. the weighing of all options and the active choice (again and again and again) to eat well.

and when i allow ease and convenience to supersede other needs, well,  then processed foods tend to win out and it's a slow, downward spiral that leaves me feeling just-a-little-bit-off.

i forget sometimes that food isn't just for pleasure. sometimes i have to eat something even if i don't love it.

yesterday morning i pulled the cottage cheese from the back of my fridge. it had yet to be opened. sigh. i checked the expiration date to make sure it was still in the realm of won't-make-me-too-sick and then proceeded to pile it on a slice of whole wheat toast. let's be honest. i really love my trader joe's tuscan white bread. and i really love it with butter. and cottage cheese on whole wheat--not. my. favorite. but it's good for me. really good for me. (ps: cottage cheese is unbelievably high in protein so for anyone who doesn't eat meat it is a cheap, effective way to keep the body going).

so i had my cottage cheese on whole wheat bread. and immediately i felt better. it was as though space arose within me. does that make any sense? not to me either, but that was the sensation--and one that i could spend the rest of my life chasing because it was just that good.

and i spent the rest of my day attempting to make good choices. a peanut butter and banana smoothie from GNC. a faux chicken patty for lunch. followed by yogurt. and a mediterranean wrap from a new health bar on 72nd (so not tasty, but at least i got some veggies in, right?). pop chips and almonds.

the danger in feeling like i haven't been eating well is that it makes me nervous. yes, i get nervous. in fact, i have a tendency to panic. and inevitably i try to autocorrect--that's my impulse, always. but as anyone who has an iphone knows, autocorrect gets it wrong more often than not.

i was walking down broadway thinking about my food choices and i longed for some confirmation that i had been good enough. good enough? what does that even mean? it's such a dangerous thought, such an unhealthy phrase. but it made clear why diets are so seductive: diets take all the guesswork out. they make the picture black and white. either you've been good enough. or you haven't. there's no uncertainty. but life is not black and white. there is uncertainty. period.

diets don't work because a person can't chart their life in black and white forever.

and the thing is, if you can't do it forever. it just won't work. fin. end of story.

**the important thing to remember (for me, just as much as anyone else) is that the food i put in my body is only a fraction of the story. how i think i look depends on so many different things--most of which i can't control. but what it really comes down to is happiness--or at least the pursuit of it. so a weekly bouquet of flowers, a morning coffee, dressers over-flowing with freshly-laundered shirts, and clean bedroom (a bed made each morning, included)--these daily niceties determine my view of myself just as much as whether i choose to reach for that second cupcake or not.**

and an interesting note: our body weight fluctuates by six pounds each day. meaning at any given moment we might be up six or down six and it has nothing to do with what we've eaten or whether or not the bed made was made in the morning. weight, is in fact... wait for it... random. feed on that.

FED: small victories. and shifting priorities!

i took the bus back from new jersey in the late afternoon on satuday. i wanted to take a physique class before the delicious quiet and day of rest that is sunday.

i don't remember much about the class. except that, it was crowded and i stood next to some girl who must have been a dancer. i know this because when we were working on our seats (butts and surrounding territory) and we have to shoot our leg out from the side of our body and mine starting shaking and didn't want to get anywhere close to the necessary position she just popped her's right out there. i mean...it was like...shoop. and i was like...oh, shit.

but what strikes me most about that class is that afterwards i devoured my post-class-new-tradition green apple.

i don't like apples. they're not my thing. never have been. but the studio has them in a glass bowl and i know that they're good for me and (let's be honest) wanting to get my money's worth, i always grab one. i usually suffer through about half of it. suffer, no? but survive. i eat as much as i can handle. and then i move one.

but on saturday evening i was thirsty. really thirsty. and i'd just read some article about eating more water (yes, eating) and knowing those little green suckers were chock-a-block full of the stuff i reached for one, sunk my teeth in, and oh the delicious juice-filled-thing that it was! i enjoyed it in the lobby, waiting for the elevator, during the ride down to the street.

one one of the eight floors between physique and the lobby another girl hopped on--she too with green apple in hand. i recognized her from class. i wasn't (and still am not) sure why she was on another floor and my confusion led way to conversation. and she asked me how long i'd been taking classes and where i come from to get there. and then of course, the question that everyone asks, had i seen results. 


and i understand the question. i do. i get it.

i politely side-stepped it with, you know. yes, i'm sure. but i'm trying very hard not to focus on that.

what i really wanted to say was, i'm enjoying this apple! loving it, in fact! i'm halfway to the core, my usual stopping-spot, and i'm gonna keep going. this is the success--this is the result--this green apple, right here, and my LOVE for it! 


there's always a moment in class when the instructor asks us to reconnect with the reason we came today. asks us to imagine how we want our seat to look in our jeans--how long and lean we want our arms to be and on and on and such and such. and i'm inevitably the girl in the corner, pulsing my squats--legs shaking away--thinking: bone density, bone density. i'm building bone density! or my heart, my heart. i'm strengthening my heart--reducing my risk for heart disease, obesity, diabetes and on and on and such and such.


don't get me wrong. i want those long, lean limbs. and yes, i want the seat that looks dang good in my blue jeans. but if that's what i think about in that moment that class gets really hard, well, i'd stop. because those reasons alone are just not good enough. they just don't do it for me. but, my health? well, that's another story all together. hell, i'd pulse those squats to kingdom-come to keep my heart pulsin' on its own.

and so i may not be able to measure how how much bone density i've gained, but i can see how my love for a green apple has shifted. and holy moly, that's something.

finding my way back. and searching for my groove again (you know, the one that stella got back all that time ago).

yesterday was the eighth day of the never-ending-cold.

and so i awoke. depressed.

no, no, not depressed with a capitol "d", more just off,  down-in-the-dumps, a little... out-of-sorts.

i'd lost my mojo (blogging-mojo included {maybe, most especially my blog-mojo}).

it had been a week of runny noses, scratchy throats, undeniable sinus pressure and a strange sense of nausea coupled with hunger--that was the worst! the inability to identify my own sense of hunger. or lack thereof. and so my eating was all askew.

but after a trip to the minute-clinic and a prescription to combat what i was told was a sinus infection i willed myself to trader joes' knowing that on this, the eighth day, a good dinner was gonna make or break me.

i needed something tasty and healthy but with a little kick.

so while at trader joe's i picked up the mahi mahi fish burgers, their pre-made guacamole, and some produce to fill it all out.

i could live on those mahi burgers alone. i know this would not be a good idea for a myriad of reasons, but i love those things--for the not-so-long-ago-burger-queen anything in the shape of the patty speaks to some deep recess of my soul.

but the mahi patty alone would not suffice.

so i pulled out a frozen trader joe's pre-made guacamole, ran it under some warm water to thaw it out, and chopped grapes, grape tomatoes, and cilantro to my heart's content (all while watching modern family). i really like the guacamole as is, but the chance to add in some more veggies cannot be ignored. veggies and a little squeeze of a lime? yes, please. thickens it up and adds nutritional value.

usually i'll just add the guac on top of the patty and call it a day. but i've been, as i said, down-in-the-dumps. so i sauteed some mushrooms in a little bit of butter for that extra something.

and so it went. mahi mahi patty. sauteed mushrooms. and guac on top.

and my restorative dinner was made. and devoured.

followed by a massive, levain chocolate-walnut cookie.



i'm sorry that i've lost my blog-mojo. sorry that i've been inconsistent and scattered about this week of creating a new tab--one that focuses on health and feeding the whole body. but i am so grateful and excited by your responses and ideas. and happy to announce that the new tab label will be...drumroll please...FED. isn't it perfect? and simple? and the absolute best play-off of NED? there were so many good suggestions, but tiffany's just seemed so obvious (kind of the way brilliant books are obvious in that that they're genius and you wish you'd thought of them yourself). the FED series will continue, but will be interspersed with regular programming. it will provide recipes, ideas, suggestions, information, products (all through my slightly warped lens of course--and i definitely want to hear from you all). i just want to make it clear that FED will not be about weight loss. it will be about finding our natural body, learning to love the body we have, and being really smart about how we do that--especially in how we talk about it. 

eating meat. or not. and how it has nothing to do with weight.

last week i talked about how i place no restrictions on my diet and a very perceptive reader asked me if being a vegetarian is not exactly that, a form of restriction. 

what follows are my thoughts regarding this question.

texans know how to do meat. their barbecue is unparalleled. steaks? unlike anything you've before had. 

i grew up as the cheeseburger queen. it was the only choice when dining out. and i always, always finished my meal--quarter-pounders, half-pounders, full-pounders oh my!

the first time i thought about cutting meat out of my diet was just out of college. i found i wasn't eating much of the stuff, unless out at a restaurant. and so it became a little experiment: could i survive without meat? well, within two weeks i was a hop, skip, and a jump away from eating a stick of butter by its lonesome. butter, you ask? i know. i know, odd right? the fat. my body was missing the fat that comes along with meat. and so the experiment ended.

the second time i was in australia visiting my dear friend stephen and his then fiancee (now wife) miriam who was a vegan. miriam and i were walking along the harbor, the sky overcast, and the sydney opera house just a stone's throw away. and she explained that for her the choice to go vegan was primarily one of environmental concern. environmental, huh? 

a few months later i picked up jonathan safran foer's eating animals, an in-depth look at the factory-farming industry and what it really means to eat meat today. the book was eye-opening and alarming. and the decision to forgo meat was made for me.

i've seen friends go vegetarian. and i've seen friends go vegan. and i've seen many do it for weight-loss. it becomes a game, a challenge. and often they met with great success. but when weight-loss is the primary purpose meat returns, animal byproducts return, and so do the pounds.

cutting meat out of my diet was never, not once, about weight. it was about the consumption of hormones, the emission of greenhouse gasses. but because of my history i was careful not to define myself by the term vegetarian. in fact, i don't think i've ever once said here on this blog that i am in fact a vegetarian, choosing instead the phrase i don't eat meat, or i choose not to eat meat (most of the time) but if i get the urge i'm gonna answer. 

i'm gonna level with you. i like meat. i do. but i choose not to eat it because it's something i can do day after day that will have a positive impact on the environment. it's something i can do day after day that will make me feel good about myself. it has enabled me to think about food in terms larger than myself. 

being a vegetarian, for me, has nothing to do with restriction. nothing to do with weight or what i look like. it is simply this: the choice not to eat meat feeds me in a way that hamburgers and chicken breasts and ribs never will.



ps: anyone see portia di rossi on oprah today? she had some pretty amazing things to say about her struggle with anorexia and bulimia. especially there at the end discussing how she got better...how it had so much to do with allowing herself all foods in any amount. and love. always love. 

the first step

when i first met with the head of the eating and weight disorders program at mount sinai i knew immediately he was the doctor for me. he got it. he understood.

after two years of asking for help in overcoming an eating disorder only to be told i didn't have one, i had finally met someone with the information that would give me my life back. he talked science to me. and for a girl who'd never before liked science, it was suddenly the language of love--the salve for my soul.

obviously i had some pretty big issues at play and not everyone needs such a specialized doctor. but the things tom has imparted to me are basic and universal. they are bits of information not often talked about--things that everyone can benefit from.

from that very first day tom made it clear that, in terms of eating, we were gonna work very hard to eliminate any form of dieting or restrictions. that would in time eliminate binges. and eventually i would have the body of giselle bunchen. (oh wait, scratch that last one {figured i'd attempt to bring a little humor to the table, even if it's poorly-constructed}).

and so that is exactly what we did. i stopped counting points. i stopped guesstimating calories. i re-introduced all foods into my diet.

and there have been days, weeks where i think, oh if i limit just for this little bit of time--if i only consume this many calories--it'll be a jump-start for me. no harm done. 

those times of limit have never, ever led to any good.

i used to say that i'd know i was better when i got to the body i would've had had i never developed an eating disorder. and tom would chuckle and nod and say, there's no way for you to know what that body would be. that's an impossibility. and he was right, of course he was right, as always.

but i do feel i'm finally living in a body that is my own. a body sans all the extra pounds that binge upon binge piled on. and without dieting, without counting calories, without any of that it has taken me just about two-and-a-half years to get here.

yeah, i know, that's quite a bit of time. a lot of time, actually. well...but not really. not if you're thinking in terms of a whole life. better two-and-a-half-years than twenty of yo-yo dieting and unhappiness.

it takes time. there is no quick fix. health is an investment of time and money and hard work.

be patient. in the end, that extra time pays off in dividends.