i know you've been waiting for it. so without further ado...

i finally broke down and tried the green monster last night. because camilla's been raving so about it. and because during our phone conversation yesterday she delivered a swift blow to my achilles heel: i feel like my eyelashes have gotten longer, she said.

eyelashes? longer? oh man. 

and so i tried it because what i've really learned in the last three months is that all of this--health and nutrition and happiness and well...life is one grand experiment. trial and error. figuring out what works for you. 

there was a point just after thanksgiving when i wanted to stop physique. i'll just go back to the gym, i thought. the commute is too long. i'm getting worse! 

but i continued on. because in a moment of uncharacteristic wisdom i knew those thoughts to be passing. i'd hit a little wall. but soon enough i'd just plow on through it. 

and i did. 

i love going to class because for one hour each day nothing else exists outside that room. it is a time to be selfish in the most productive of ways. 

and yes, i imagine i look a little different. not impossibly so. but enough. 

but like i've said before, it's the benefits to my health, the desire to get better and stronger that keep me going back again and again. it's the fact that now when we get to the abs i can keep up. and the fact that i no longer struggle with pain in my back. it's increased bone density (and while i can't see or feel this i'm told that it's true). 

after three months i don't have the body of kelly ripa. but then again i've got like a foot on her, so i probably never will. 

i'm stronger and happier. and so i'll continue on (even if i risk standing next to a radio city rockette and feeling....just so much less). it's the mental end that really does it for me. the gift of getting better and ticking off small accomplishment after small accomplishment. 

clarification. and a little honesty.

okay. i'm gonna try something new here. i'm gonna be really candid. really honest.

(that was a joke. did you get it? you know, because i'm probably too honest sometimes? oh phooey, if you didn't get it that's on you).

no but really. i wasn't going to share this next bit. not because i'm ashamed of it. but because it was singular to me. because it never really crossed my mind that it was important. it was just a detail. a footnote.

and yet. maybe it is important. maybe it'll help elucidate things. provide some sort of foundation so that when i talk about weight and health and eating disorders you know where i'm coming from.

i gained forty pounds over the course of my eating disorder. 

yes. that's right. forty. forty pounds.

that's a fair amount. a nice little hole i dug for myself.

i tell you this because i need you to know that in getting healthy it wasn't just about finding a balance and figuring out some sort of normalcy--i had forty (count 'em, forty) pounds to lose, give or take a few.

have i lost them all? not a chance.

do i still have a fair amount to go? you betcha.

and i know i still have weight to lose not because of some number on a scale but because i'm carrying a little extra weight in my middle. and extra weight in the middle is not good for the heart. and since coronary heart disease is the leading cause of death for women in this country...well, i want my heart to be healthy.

what i'm trying to say is this: whether you need to lose five pounds, ten, two hundred, absolutely none, or actually gain weight, the process is not really that different. eat good food. real food. listen to your body. exercise. make good, positive choices everyday. and for the love of all that is good and holy in this world: don't diet. don't count calories. don't restrict. instead educate yourself and make smart choices. it's the little things--by eating real food and listening to your body--the body'll actually figure it out--at what weight it is most healthy.

and yes, it might take five years to lose all the extra weight, and yes, that can be frustrating--but it's frustrating for our egos, for our vanity, not for our bodies.

i feel like i've done a terrible job explaining myself in this post.

it's just that...all the stuff i say about food and health...those things are coming from someone who is acutely aware of the need to actually lose weight for the sake of my health.

does that make sense?

one of many small and tangible resolutions...

the scale i own is sitting in a bag next to the door waiting for a goodwill pick-up.

that was one of my new year's resolutions: rid my room of the scale.

to be fair i never really used it. once or twice in the past year, maybe. instead i would find it stored away in strange places like in my suitcase or sandwiched in a storage bin under my bed--such is the life of a new yorker where there's never enough space and storage is a commodity.

so while i never used it, i'd every so often unearth the thing.

and i'd feel it taunting me, climb on, it would say. let's play--let's have some real down-home-fun. 


i got the thing my freshman year of college when this disaster (i mean, adventure?) began and i still thought that the measure of one's health (and thus subsequent worth) was determined by the three numbers the scale offered up to me.

now in my old-age and generally-aknowledged (ahem) wisdom i know better. my health is the culmination of countless factors--many of which i can't control. but i know when i'm eating well. and i know when i'm exercising. and i don't need a scale to measure those things. so ipso-facto-ergo...what use have i for this antiquated device? scales provide the surface amount of information. they hint at things. like health. but they aren't the end-all-be-all.

i remember seeing something on a blog once about bus-stop benches in sweeden? norway? denmark?--some progressive european country. as a way to discourage obesity they had taken to measuring the weight of the seated person and projecting that number up above. i know what you're thinking: shocking, appalling, the wrong approach, right?

well...maybe a bit misguided but the more i thought about it the more i realized the number projected is simply that: a number.

our outrage stems from the shallow notion that weight is the ultimate end. in our culture each number comes with a stigma--an emotional attachment. bridget jones tells me that 140 is an unacceptable number. whereas, when i'm at 140 i border on looking way-too-thin. i see tweets all the time--people saying they're this tall and this is their goal number because that's how tall so-and-so is and that's how much they weigh. but weight sits differently on different people. we truly cannot compare our body to anyone else's--it's not fair, not healthy, and a really ridiculous benchmark.

maybe what we need to work on before we can worry about lowering the number that's flashing above us is detaching the number from the story we've assigned to it. it's just a number, that's all. and yes, it provides us with some information--but it's such a small slice of the pie.

when i started physique i looked leaner almost immediately and the number on the scale increased by more than a few pounds. oh wait, this was mean to be a physique update, no?

okay, okay, that'll come this afternoon...

fed tip of the day: find some dishes you really love.

don't underestimate the power of the mundane. eating is about the whole experience. i keep this set of bowls in my room--much as i trust my roommates, i don't want try and avoid (or at least delay) the normal wear and tear. i use them daily and daily they have the power to make whatever concoction i've thrown together into an something akin to a meal. 

what is fed: (in case you're new...)

an attempt to talk about health (especially that pertaining to eating and food) in a positive and constructive way. for me it is a way to share what has enabled me to find a life of normalcy (the big and little things) after struggling with an eating disorder for many years. 

fed: a goal for the week

i believe in making small goals. each week. little things: more water, an apple a day, and on and on and such and such.

eventually these goals build on each other. they snowball (and tis' the season, right?).

i returned from thanksgiving with a terrible case of the homesick-blues and just ever-so-slightly in a state of sugar shock.

i didn't feel as though i overrate this thanksgiving holiday, but i certainly ate more than normal. this is not to say i regret one thing i put in my body or that i'd change anything. the holidays is a time to indulge in things you might not normally have. why not?! i say!

but i do believe in balance (i am a libra, after all). 

and returning to my own home, and my own kitchen, and my own city today i felt the need to balance my sugar-shock with something else.

so i set a goal.

this week i will reach for the unusual. i will step out of my comfort zone in terms of healthy foods. i won't rely on my old standbys.

so this morning i pulled the yellow bowl from my favorite set of dishes. in it i put a small container of greek yogurt (not using greek yogurt as a sour-cream-substitute {but as actual yogurt} is a big thing for me), blackberries, walnuts, and a little go lean crunch.

and then lunch found me at the whole foods bar noshing on red quinoa and an endive salad. i hated it at first, thought what have i done? but the more i noshed the more i felt my body thank me. 

when i eat things that are really good for me (nutritionally speaking) i feel space open up within me. perhaps it's an imagined thing, but it's marvelous nonetheless. it as though my chest becomes a cavity filled with light and space and energy (am i getting too new age-y yet?). 

so, do tell...have you a goal for the week? ( i want to know wether it's to write more often in your journal or sign up for the nearest singles's dodgeball league).