nyc babycakes banana bread recipe.

i've gotten better in the kitchen as of late.

(and if you've been following this blog for any period of time you know this is no small thing).

so when i went home a few weeks ago i was determined to prove my culuinary prowess to my parents, a way of saying, remember that cuisinardt you got me? well look at me now!


so i decided to make my vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free banana bread (it may also be noted, i wanted them to know how good a vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free something could be).

so i packed my xanthan gum for the trip home. (funny--in a plastic zip-lock, in a suit case, it looks remarkably like a number of other things {none of them good}).

and once in texas i headed to the local HEB for the remaining products. agave proved most difficult to find (in part because i forgot about it at the first store) and when the manager at the randall's just up the street had the gall to suggest stevia or truvia instead you can imagine my dismay--i may have responded with something resembling an indignant--even dirty--look.

(there are few things in this world i find as offensive as fake sugar--and yes, i'm calling stevia a fake sugar as well).

but when i eventually had all the necessaries i set to work. and things went swimmingly. until of course they didn't. and the bread wouldn't cook through. and the bread wouldn't rise. and it was suggested that the humidity played a part but i knew--i knew!--it was because i had put to much batter in the pan. a silly mistake. one silly mistake and my culinary prowess was not proved--my culinary powers, flat.

but because it usually works and when it does there's nothing like it, i thought i'd finally share. so without further ado...

NYC BABYCAKES BANANA BREAD RECIPE (by Erin McKenna)

ingredients:


2 cups bob's red mill gluten-free all purpose baking flour (this brand, no other)
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon xanthan gum
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup coconut oil (plus more for the plan)
2/3 cup agave nectar
2/3 cup rice milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract (high quality)
1 1/2 cups mashed bananas 




preheat the oven to 325 degrees fahrenheit. lightly grease a 7 x 4 x 3-inch loaf pan with oil. 


in a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, xanthan gum, salt, and cinnamon. add 1/2 cup oil and the agave nectar, rice milk, and vanilla to the dry ingredients. stir until the batter is smooth. using a plastic spatula, gently fold in the bananas until they are evenly distributed throughout the batter. 


fill the prepared pan halfway with batter (this means you're likely to have leftover batter). bake the banana bread on the center rack for 35 minutes, rotating the pan 180 degrees after 20 minutes. the finished loaf will bounce back slightly when pressed , and a toothpick inserted in the center will come out clean.


let the banana bread stand in the pan for 20 minutes. gently run a knife around the edge of the cake, cover the top of the pan with a cutting board, and invert the loaf onto the board. carefully lift the pan away and re-invert the bread onto another cutting board. either cut and serve warm, or wait until completely cool before storing. cover the uncut banana bread with plastic wrap and store at room temperature for up to 3 days. 






(do not attempt to eat before the bread has completely cooled. take it from me, it doesn't taste to terribly good when it's warm. when it's cool...there's nothing like it).


also, according to tom colicchio's forward to the book, know this: follow the recipe exactly. 


and for banana bread with chocolate chips (my personal favorite) simply add in some chips to the batter before cooing. 




and a very happy weekend baking to you... 

FED: my five-point roadmap

i've said this before and i'll say it again. i thought the end of my eating disorder would come with the speed and force of a mack truck. (in a good way). 

i figured i'd be waking across the street, a sudden impulse would prompt me to turn and then

and it'd be over. done. and i'd be free.

turns out it hasn't really happened that way.


it has been inches. slow crawling inch after slow crawling inch.

when this recent funk hit i took a deep breath, thought, been there, done that, then realized my familiarity with the thing was not a get out of jail free pass. took a longer inhale, getting air into the space between my toes and reminded myself that this too shall pass. only then did i go about doing everything my capable little hands could do to crawl and claw my way out of the trench.


my version of trench warfare? full fat mochas (they feel luxurious and indulgent--make me think i'm on vacation). afternoon tea with girlfriends. indulging in massages at that place on 80th that sections of the tables with nothing more than clothes lines and bed sheets. painted red nails. a trip to boston. hurtling down icy northeastern ski-slopes. tickets to see noah and the whale. and investing in a very lovely, lovely cannon (i may not be able to crawl out of this funk, but perhaps i can photograph from within it?).


and so it has gone for the last six weeks: a funk. and so it goes. deep and encompassing. an overriding sense of apathy. and a feeling of claustrophobia--suffocating in my own skin.


and yet.


it's been bearable (as most funks prove to be).


and even a little exhilarating. exhilarating, you ask?


yes.


because the eating disorder (ned) has been so quiet.


yes it's still there. but somehow now it's not so important.


in the past the funk would come. and i would eat. and the eating disorder would quickly spiral. and the feelings and sensations that would follow i would label as such: that pesky ned, rearing his disastrous, hellish head once more.


but this go round the feelings and sensations came and the eating disorder didn't.


illumination. for better or for worse, illumination.


and another step forward.

a little while back a reader emailed asking for advice in dealing with her own eating disorder. in replying to the email i realized i was mapping my own little trail of recovery. and because i am slightly better and because it was national eating disorder week just two weeks ago and because why not? i thought i'd share:  so here goes. my five-point road map to mental health:


1. get help. find a therapist. a really, really, really good one. one who specializes in eating and weight disorders. (i can't emphasize this enough. if nothing else, please get help). it is unbelievably difficult to deal with an eating disorder, but to struggle alone is nearly crushing.


in looking for help, trust your gut. i sought out medical professional after medical professional before i found one who could give me a correct diagnosis. (two doctors, and four therapist--the fifth therapist was able to diagnose me, and the sixth (tom) literally gave me life back). there is a huge amount of mis-information and lack of information out there regarding eating disorders and not everyone who should be able to help can. 

2. figure out how food can be about more than just necessity. and more than just pleasure. for me the decision to become a vegetarian was an easy and practical (and meaningful, might i add) way to make food bigger than myself--it took some of the selfishness i was struggling with out of the equation. i do recognize that going vegetarian isn't for everyone. may i suggest volunteering at a food bank or soup kitchen? reacacquaint yourself with what it means to really need a warm meal--and fill yourself up in the process (i find goodwill much more filling than any of the many flavors of ben and jerry's--and i've tried them all, so i should know).

3. fall in love with kitchen. or try. at least, try.

i don't love to cook. but i'm working on it. it began with my hour long bake potato. from there i figured out that cinnamon in tomato-basil soup is delightful. i now make a mean vegan banana bread and pretty darn good raw chocolate chip cookie (made from cashews and oatmeal). making your own food is good for you--studies have been done indicating that when you make your own food and there is some time and process involved, you end up eating less because you fill up faster. i like that my baked potato takes an hour to make--i don't want to shorten that process. 

4. experiment, experiment...in life. do things you don't want to do. that you wouldn't usually do. go to a party. flirt with a guy. take risks on a daily basis (they don't have to be big). wear those skinny black pants before you're ready. exercise in spandex (even if you feel naked in them the first few times). take someone up on an invitation even if you're afraid you won't know anyone else. 

5. and exercise. (for the mental aspect of it). i can't emphasize this enough. i've been exercising consistently for years now. but it took going to physique for me to really get all the benefits that exercise has to offer. yes, in part because physique is tremendously good for the body--but more because it challenged my mind--forced me so far out of my comfort zone and provided my mind with a whole new set of skills to tackle. for me it elevated exercise form something i had to do to something of a personal practice. and the most important thing i've taken away (even more important than increased bone density) is the knowledge that it gets easier. pain changes and morphs. and everything, every sensation passes. in life to. exercise as metaphor! meaning all those pesky sensations and emotions that i would attempt to self-medicate by binge eating would pass if i just gave them time enough--lived through them.  

this list is by no means comprehensive or all-inclusive. there are so many other things i could include like recognizing patterns and identifying those aforementioned pesky emotions, but much of those things can be done with the help of a really great therapist. and if you are really, truly in the throws of an eating disorder, or even if you're struggling with disordered eating, i can't recommend finding help enough.


also, know this: i still struggle. often. i have good days and bad days and in-between days. i eat too much sugar and too much processed food. i'm not a whiz in the kitchen. and the last month i've found it much more difficult to get to exercise class. i still strive for perfection when i know--in my bones, i know--that perfection and the pursuit of it is not good for my health. but i am better. and i continue to get better. and that is something to celebrate and applaud.


small victories. small victories.

FAT TALK

i love cjane's blog.

i have for quite sometime.

mostly because she's a genius writer. and even more so because, well, she's a genius writer.

so when she blogged the first in her new series of healing the body image i wanted to reach across the blogosphere and kiss the woman on the mouth. yes, the mouth--that's how ardently gratitude arose within me.

here was a woman with a huge platform publishing an article that actually said all the right things.

i lapped up each and every word.

and then i started to look through the comments.

and it was about this time that my blood began to boil.

most of the comments were supportive and lovely, but it was the ones that seemed to miss the point entirely that had me taking deep and long breaths (so as to remain calm). and between the inhales and exhales i reminded myself that janna's tenants for a healthy lifestyle are things that have taken me years to learn--things that tom (my personal version of janna {an eating and weight disorders specialist here in new york}) must have said a hundred different ways on a hundred different occasions before i ever even heard them.

the articles set off an avalanche of sorts in my mind that i'm still having a difficult time sorting through.

but let's start with fat talk. because janna mentions it on more than one occasion but never really goes into it in great detail.

i have this theory: fat talk is like second-hand smoke. far more dangerous to the person having to take in someone else's spew.

and fat-talk is everywhere.

after posting the video about it on friday afternoon i went out to dinner on friday night. and there it was, fat-talk--amongst people that i think the world of. saturday night found me at work and lo and behold:  fat talk. then again this morning, taking zoobie to nursery school: an open-faced sandwich was half as many carbs, as opposed to half as much bread--maybe it's just semantics, but words are important. we use fat talk to put others down. we use it to put ourselves down. we use it to complement another girl. another guy. we confuse our dislike of someone with the shape of their body. and we mistake it as humor.

i remember attending a party at my aunt and uncles's house just over a year ago and watching as two middle-aged-men, salt-of-the-earth guys went in to share a hug after not seeing one another for nearly a year. one remarked, well, i guess it's more of a stomach bump than a hug at this point. i heard that statement and thought, it really is everywhere isn't it? it's cultural at this point. and there is no group of people, no economic class unaffected by it's influence.

the guy i dated around this time last year would make fun of my eating issues. all the time. and i loved that about him. because in laughing about it i felt slightly more normal. but then this summer i made a joke about my arms (something silly about how tennis would work off the ice cream i was currently lapping up) and a guy i hardly knew--half the age of the man i had dated--said, nope you don't get to do that. i'm not gonna let you make that joke. this is me, looking out for you. and a part of me fell in love with him right then and there. because he showed me a new way. showed me that eliminating fat talk is far sexier than twisting it towards self-deprecation. and in that moment he illuminated a bit of what it is to be a man. a real man. and holy moly was it sexy.


i suppose the reason the (i'm going to choose to call them "unhelpful") comments regarding janna's posts so go to me is that in some ways they are a form of fat-talk. and therefore, far more damaging, far more influential than the good things people had to say. while not technically fat-talk i call them that because they were in many ways misinformed or short-sighted.

diets don't work. there are no two ways about it. they simply don't. and to combat that statement by saying they do is a flimsy comeback. perhaps they worked for one person. or another. perhaps they worked for a family member but it is the tenuousness of that "victory" that leads people to defend diets so fiercely. i want to know if in five--ten years all the weight lost remains as such-gone.

do me a favor. ask yourself something: if they did work (diets, that is) would our country really be struggling with a snowballing obesity crisis? if it really is so easy( as most programs suggest) than why do so many of us have such a difficult time?

money has to be spent to consume the extra calories that put the weight on in the first place. and then money is spent on a program or a book to lose the weight. and yes, maybe some weight is lost. but then it comes back. and then we spend more money to lose it all over again, or to try--at least to try. the diet industry is not one of charity and good-will--it is a not a non-for-profit. its ultimate goal: to make as much money as possible.

to say diets don't work is not a setback to the obesity epidemic--it is, in fact, the silver-bullet to overcoming it.

these things that janna speaks to: eliminating fat-talk, honoring the body's natural impulses--these will be the things that will end obesity. i was so impressed by jaime oliver's food revolution when it aired last spring. he never once used the word diet, never once spoke of calories. he encouraged people to learn to cook and to eat real (meaning not overly processed) foods. when i told tom about it he said those two things--cooking and consumption of real food could cut this country's obesity epidemic in half. in half!

look, i as much as anyone else understand the appeal of diet program. the built-in control and stability. but i know there's not a good one out there (despite the promise of a re-vamped weight watchers). i get it. i do. jennifer hudson looks amazing. believe you me, i understand. but of course they've changed their program!--change and the new is just as much a part of a marketing-pitch as anything else. and perhaps it really is better. but nonetheless. it doesn't allow for the fact that one month a person may need to eat more than another month. or two months, or three. our body has needs that we aren't always acutely aware of. any time we try to so strictly regulate the process it's like putting a kink in the water hose: and the water sure won't flow. because the body will sort it out on its own, if we let it. and even if we don't let it, the body still tries. and as with too many cooks in the kitchen something is sure to get burned (and it may not be those extra calories).

i recently worked on a project with a woman who had lost nearly forty pounds on weight watchers. and she looked great. but i recognized within her a terror--an absolute fear of regaining all she had lost. it was in the way she looked at food. in how she talked about it (fat talk, oh my!) and in how would quickly brush her teeth after eating--not, for the sake of dental hygiene, but to send a signal to her stomach that the time for eating was over. and she went on and on about how weight watchers is the healthiest thing out there. but here was a woman nearly three times my age living in total fear of food. and i thought, if weight-watchers is the healthiest of diets and yet it perverts the mind to this extent... no thanks. i'll pass.

there is so much work to be done in fighting obesity. and it is time we step up and take responsibility. cost of food and convenience are no longer acceptable excuses for dining out at mcdonalds. we have to make time and we have to set aside funds. we have to educate ourselves, our children, and our lawmakers. we need to create new food markets by shifting our demands to local, healthy produce. it is incumbent upon us to find new avenues. and yes, these things, all these things might be terrifying--they might be like jumping off a cliff. but at this point we just gotta try. we're failing as it is. worst thing that can happen is we fail in a new direction--but at least in more failure we gain more information.

FED: feeding with information

it's been a sparse week around these blog parts. so i sat down last night to write a really meaty FED post. so i sat down on the couch with the computer. and then i moved to my desk. then climbed into bed.

and i came up with a lot of dribble that filled about three drafts that are now tucked away somewhere in my archives. but it just wasn't ready. the words weren't coming.

so instead i'm going to say this:

read this:

JANNA DEAN, HEALING THE BODY IMAGE (on the glorious CJANE's blog)

now this:

JANNA DEAN, HEALTHY BODY IMAGE FOR OUR CHILDREN (again, thank you CJANE)

watch this video to learn what FAT TALK is:

and let's be clear what the word diet means and how it is used (i emailed tom {my very, very smart therapist who happens to be an eating and weight disorder expert} so as we'd get this really, really right):

diet as a noun is "the food that you eat" in our culture we use diet as a verb to describe some process designed to alter one's body through what we eat--most often this means restricting. this has led to the misuse of the word diet as a noun to mean "the food that you eat to lose weight"

so from here on out when i (or someone else) say diets don't work what is meant by diets is a specific, regimented process designed for the ultimate task of losing weight.

now for extra credit: check out mark bittman's food manifesto.

i want to know what you all think about all this. because on monday you better believe i'm gonna let you know what i think. let's hash through this...

FED: it's all in the family.

the other night when i called home i was chatting away with my mother when she suddenly became distracted.

your father's throwing acai berries at me, she explained.

i love this for so many reasons. for the fact that my parents still have fun together--think of it, flying food as proof of love!--and also because they were actually eating acai berries--oh how far we've all come since the days of oreos after dinner.

when i first began to uproot my eating patterns--cutting out meat, eating goji berries and mulberries, seeking out fair-trade foods and eco-concious restaurants--my meat and potato parents viewed this all a little wearily--or, at least, i feared they would.

(let me be clear: as a child i ate white bread. i pitied those forced to endure whole-wheat--oh the deprived childhoods they must lead, i thought.)

there's nothing harder than totally changing your eating habits and not having the support of those around you--so calling home and knowing my parents were eating chocolate covered acai berries--knowing that they're not just supportive in their words but in their actions--that is not lost on me. i realize that's not the norm. and i feel so unbelievably lucky.

in other (but related) news: i finally pulled out my babycakes cookbook and whipped up some vegan/gluten-free/sugar-free (it's sweetened with agave) banana bread. while finding some of the ingredients in whole foods proved tricker than usual, actually putting it all together was a breeze. and it was good--moist and good. and quickly eaten up when i offered it up to our version of craft-services on my last day of shooting.