the cost of food

i have a thing for airline magazines.

i love them.

unabashedly, i love them.

and i always leave the plane with one.

the writing is good and funny and among the smartest out there.

and the subjects range from travel (obv) to brain development to the life of a bee.

when i traveled this past monday i plopped in my seat and immediately reached for Hemispheres (united's magazine).

and it didn't disappoint. in fact, the question and answer with alice waters is among one of my greatest magazine reads to date.

who is alice waters? well, let me just quote the article's author, david carr:

"Even if you've never had the pleasure of eating at Chez Panisse, Alice Waters' remarkable restaurant in Berkeley, Calif., you have likely dined at a table that she has indirectly set. When your grocery store stocks a legit organic produce section, you have Waters to thank. When the waiter at your local bistro goes on and on about how local and fresh the ingredients for the day's special are, he is channeling Waters' philosophy. And when a dish arrives at your table glorious in its simplicity and unadorned by all manner of highfalutin, ego-driven flourishes, Waters can take a bow." essentially, Waters is the godmother (someone else's term, can't take credit for that) of the organic food movement. one of the most influential activists promoting local foods for the health of the environment, the economy, and the each person eating them (us).

and of all the interview, what follows is the thing that struck me most--the thing that had me folding over the page, knowing i'd blog about it later in the week.

Hemispheres: What is the one thing we don't understand about food.

Waters: That it's precious. We need to pay for it. We need to pay for the food and pay the people who produce it. That's profound and terribly important. We still think we can get it for free. And you know, it's that idea that we have been indoctrinated to believe, that food should be fast, cheap and easy. And it's really that kind of thinking that is destroying the world.  so, i have one less glass of champagne this week or look for a cheaper apartment or pass on a pair of shoes so i can afford to pay for local produce and raw almond butter?

yup, i'm okay with that.

because by paying more for the good stuff now i'm helping to create a market for it.

honestly, it's my belief that because i can afford to pay for the local produce, the healthy stuff, the unprocessed food it's my moral obligation to do so. because my doing so will help one day make the good stuff more affordable for everyone (or God help me, i hope so).

find the full article here.

illustration by jeffrey decoster

eat real food.

i've been thinking a lot about food lately.

i know, i know. surprise, surprise.

but come along with me on the rambling journey that will be this post, won't you?

i was at work yesterday when one of the girls came up and started gabbing about an impending vacation  and needing to lose weight because she'd have to wear a bathing suit and on and on. and everyone started throwing out ideas. what worked for them (and there is value in that) and hadn't she had success in the past with cutting carbs?

two quick thoughts: (1) i want to live each day as though i could slip on a bathing suit at any moment. that's what i want to feel like in my clothes. and yes there's some vanity to that. but it is also the knowledge that my bathing-suit-ready-body is a healthy body--and a healthy mind, to boot--a mind that knows i look good in a bathing suit and that how i look has very little to do with how i actually look, but how i feel. am i making sense? and (2) if cutting carbs worked for this person in the past then why are we back here? having this conversation all over again? doesn't that get tedious at some point? all the losing and gaining, losing and gaining? i tell ya, it sure isn't good for the heart.

i kept both these thoughts to myself. and i walked away. now i know, just walk away. time is too short and i don't know these people well enough to dump all of my (ostensibly condescending and judgemental) ideas on them.

{don't you just love the word ostensible?}

but here's the thing, as i walked away, it hit me! here it is, here's what to do...want to look good in a bathing suit? want to lose weight? want to live in your best body? here's the crux of it:

eat. real. food.

eat real food!

that's it! that's all there is to it.

eat real fruit. eat real vegetables. cut out all that stuff that comes hermetically sealed in plastic wrap. or that might just survive the end of the world. (because take note, hermetically sealed foods and bed bugs will be all that survive).

wine and cheese grow better with age, yes, but most other foods do not. and all that stuff put in there to keep the foods kickin' (for years and years) will age you, exhaust you, deplete your system, and trick your brain into thinking it's delicious. ah, it's all one great monetary conspiracy by a food industry that has no concern for our health! it boils my blood, i tell you. but i'm gonna let that one go. (for today).

i've finished babysitting now. for the most part. that was the job i let go of. for a whole host of reasons. in large part because there was an increasing sense that i was living someone else's happy life. i want to raise children. but my own. and i have some serious work to do (and some serious money to make) before that will be possible. i don't regret any of the time i spent babysitting since college. some of the most vital and important experiences of the last three years were at the hands of two-year-olds. i learned innumerable things (that's a whole post unto itself).

but for now, i will say this: i noticed that some of my worst eating happened while babysitting. one could look at this statement and ruminate on exhaustion and lack of power and where i am in life and many of those thoughts would be true and right, but really it comes down this: processed foods.

it wasn't that the food i was eating was bad or calorie dense, it was that it was in someway unreal. alphabet cookies, big-bird cheese crackers, elmo mac-and-cheese. all good, all tasty, all non-existant in nature. and all this got me thinking. why? why is processed food like this so prevalent and so overwhelming in the youth market? isn't this a dangerous precedent to set? why can we all agree that children need a good and strong education but we can't all agree to feed them the best possible foods? (hey school districts the country over, i'm talking to you).

thank God for people like jaime oliver, no?

of course i could go on and on about eating real foods. how it's also about eating simple foods. about how this way of life demands a little more work and a little more time, a little more effort (and dare i say, experimentation) in the kitchen.

someone recently said to me that new york city is all about convenience. why go to riverside park when central park is a few blocks away? uh, maybe because you want to see the gardens and get a glimpse of the hudson?! if new york is all about convenience maybe that's why i'm often not keen on it. but i think this thought short-changes the city: new york isn't all about convenience, it's all about whatever you'd like it to be about. but for many people the city is in fact about immediacy, ease, and getting what we want as soon as we want it. convenience. i'm really not so keen on this convenience thing. yes, there's a time and a place for it, but if i live my life and it's dictated by this demand--this convenience, i cut myself off from countless experiences. from the subway ride to riverside park on which i might just meet that elusive love of my life.

convenience. an ugly word. one that might just be making america fat. you want something sweet?! and you want it now? go for it, get a snickers, after all their slogan is in fact why wait?

i spent two weeks in mexico, many years ago, living with a family. oh, how reverently i look back on that time. there was a lot of life in those two weeks. the food, oh the food! the high-quality milk and ergo vanilla ice cream! the bags upon bags of bread--and white bread, at that! yes, i remember the ruins of ancient cultures, the classes and car rides in which the musicality of the language both overwhelmed and inspired, but the food, i tell you!

i have spent the subsequent ten years in search of food like that. because apart from its unbelievable taste (unbelievable, i tell you), i actually lost weight there. in mexico. i lost weight eating more food than i've ever eaten in my life. and yes, i was sixteen. and yes, i was quite small to begin with. but puberty had just begun and i was suddenly struggling with the knowledge that i couldn't eat whatever i wanted (bowl upon bowl of pepperidge farm goldfish and real coca-cola) and remain trim.

just the other night i pulled out some corn tortillas, stuck them right on the burner, let them get some good charred spots and then spooned some guacamole right on top. it took all of two minutes. i wasn't expecting much, so you can imagine my surprise when i bit in, and thought for the first time since those formative few weeks in cuernavaca: this is it! i am tasting mexico!


and it was then i realized: the food was good in mexico. and it was pretty simple. high quality, real food, and simple.

and not terribly inconvenient. did you catch that part where i mentioned my guac filled tortillas took all of two minute?


two minutes, simple, and real? no plastic wrap in site? take that convenience! take that america! take that processed foods!

it's possible to eat well here.

after all, the experience is what you make of it.

what i'm eating.

i am a firm believer that not only do our tastes change over time, but we have the power to actively change how we taste and enjoy food. 

the way in which to do this is simple: give up fake sugars. and cut out overly processed food. and if it the rest of your life is a slow process of learning how to do this? so be it. health is not a sprint.

1. toast with cottage cheese. simple, light, filling, and high in protein. need i say more?

2. strawberries. naked, raw, whatever you want to call it, have them just as they are. enjoy the warm weather and the fruits it has to offer.

3. "cheesy" kale chips. a few months ago, on a whim, i bought a dehydrator. now i've made some really foolish financial investments over the years, but i'm learning. this one has yet to prove itself as a sound investment, because to-date i've only really made these kale chips in it. so if anyone has some great recipes involving a dehydrator, please, send them my way! these chips consist of kale dressed in a sauce made of cashews, nutritional yeast, red bell pepper, a bit of lemon juice, agave, and green onions. they sit in the dehydrator for 12+ hours. i'm a snacker. that's my food profile in a nutshell. and since most snacks out there are not super healthy these kale chips are a great option for me. (though not totally realistic for most people, i get that).

4. chocolate covered pretzel. as well as enjoying snacks, i'm also realizing my sweet tooth is bigger than most. this little chocolate covered pretzel (asher's; dark chocolate variety) is the perfect size to really satisfy my cravings while still feeling like a big indulgence. it's only 110 calories and while i don't count calories i like to know it's a lot less than a snickers or some other traditional candy bar. 

5. peanut butter on toast. sweet, salty, protein-packed and filling. need i say more?

what's everyone else eating now? anything seasonal that you want to suggest?

previous "what i'm eating" found here.

what i'm eating.

because i posted about ned this week, i thought it only fair to let you in on some of the small daily choices that keep me feeling satisfied and strong. 

i'm at point in the process of learning to eat well where my great focus is not calories or quantity, but the quality of the foods i put in my body. i want simple foods. vegetables and fruits. foods that are as unprocessed as possible.

spring and it's trademark warm weather is certainly allowing for some fresh and vibrant choices. what follows is something of a my spring-time playlist: 

1. avocado on toast. (or if you're feeling really adventurous, avocado + tomato + lemon juice + a sprinkle of salt {on toast}). this one is as easy as it comes, but a little concoction that i'll eat morning, noon, or night. i had it the first morning i arrived in australia two years ago and i've been eating it ever since. i'm almost always a sweet person, but in the morning savory is my jam, so i turn to this staple again and again. for bread i usually use those new 100 calorie bread rounds (whole grain, not multi grain) or ezekiel food for life (sold at your local trader joe's or whole foods). for me the lemon is the best part--the natural flavor and sweetness makes me think i'm eating nature's own version of candy.

2. green monster. i'm not a fan of this smoothie the way everyone else is. i don't love it. sometimes i don't even like it. but i tolerate it. because i know it's good for me. and i know that sometimes we have to eat things strictly because they're good for us. and if i can manage to start my day off with something so loaded in fruits and veggies i'm much more likely to make positive food choices all the live long day. made of spinach, banana, ground flax seeds (you gotta grind those suckers yourself each day for the best health benefits--let me suggest a free-standing coffee grinder which can be purchased for about ten bucks), and almond or rice milk.

3. potato chips (otherwise known as fries). potatoes are one of my most beloved staples. cheap and easy and pretty darn filling. lately i've been taking two small white potatoes cutting them nice and thing, mixing in a tiny bit of virgin olive oil and salt and baking at 400 until they start to crisp. serve with ketchup and voila, done.

4. arugula and capers. it should be known that despite my weariness regarding their appearance, my love for capers knows no bounds. and then there's arugula. the spicy, little firecracker of the lettuce family. together? my spring meal of choice. i dress in a tiny bit of a combination of olive oil and walnut oil (with lemon if desired) and salt. and if you'r feeling really adventurous, add toasted pine nuts.

5. cookie crumble concoction. i will forever be indebted to uncle eddie's cookies. their chocolate-oatmeal-walnut flavor is the best i've ever tasted--and i've tasted a lot. to this day, i can't bring a bag of eddie's cookies home because i lose all control (i eat the bag all at once, one sitting). but what uncle eddie really gave me was the knowledge that vegan baked goods can be incredibly good. so i went about attempting to make my own. and so i made banana bread and raw cookies and a version of the girl scout somoa. this last thing was not my great triumph--it was a tricky, little recipe that produced something resembling brittle. that being said, this week i came up with my own little free-standing cookie mix that is a cross between almond-joy and the samoa. ready? okay: in a food processor put raw cashes, raw almonds, a ton of uncooked rolled oats, a small amount of coconut oil, agave (and vanilla should you so choose). if you're feeling really adventurous add in unsweetened coconut flakes and ground flax seeds for amped-up health benefits. i eat the mixture as a crumble as opposed to fashioning it into cookie bites or balls because that consistence allows for less oil and agave. put in a cup with a few vegan chocolate chips and it's heaven--truly, the best thing i've ever made. i'm at the point now where i just eye the proportions, but next go round i'll try to measure it out and give you all a proper recipe. for now the most important thing to say is that i put more almonds than cashews (it's a heart healthier nut and adds tropical texture).

about those green pants

i'm gonna let you in on a little secret about those green pants...

the morning of those pictures i made my glitter sign (tracking sparkle all through the house), donned my green pants, set the camera to self-timer, and clicked away.

and what i got were the photos you saw: green pants, sparkle sign, and me looking...happy, i think.

but upon first seeing the images i thought, oh, my legs look fat. 

and so i took a breath.

and then allowed another, more rational (read: healthier) part of me to say, doesn't matter. 

 

and i made the choice--and yes, it was a choice--to let the doesn't matter trump the oh, my legs look fat. 

 

now i know some of you might be thinking, isn't the oh, my legs look great an even better choice--an even more powerful statement? to which i say, maybe. but, i think that choosing to give no value to what they look like is the ultimate goal. because then, whether they look good or bad or blue or long, it really doesn't matter--it doesn't change my day, it doesn't affect how i'm feeling. it has no power to undo me.

there are still days i am undone. still days i feel like i've lost six years of my life to this thing. still days i feel i'll never be as thin as i need to be.

i've been thinking a lot about what it is the eating disorder gave me. because anyone worth their salt will tell you there's a reason you keep it around. i fought against this idea as much and as hard as i could (for as long as i could). if there was one thing i was clear on, it was this: i hated the eating disorder. i wanted it gone. i wanted nothing to do with it.

and then, just the other day, it came to me. it was not the binge i needed. it was the moment after. those brief, fleeting moments when after yet another rock-bottom, the only direction i could look was up. those brief, fleeting moments when the binge was done and a blank-slate was before me and i hadn't yet screwed up and anything was possible and maybe just this one time i. would be. perfect. and so i made lists and rules and nearly impossible-to-keep regulations because yes, indeed, this time i would be perfect. this time i would be different. this time i would be...someone else.

i think there's this idea that the thin version of ourselves is actually a different person. and oh what a dangerous, little idea this is! because let's say you become thin, you reach that goal weight, and yet you're still the same. and you still have the same fears and anxieties and chronic frustrations. and that dissonance--that disconnect between who you thought you'd be and who you actually are...that's the first crack. the first fissure in the foundation--the very thing with the potential to undo it all.

i remember thinking as my first year of college ended...i'd like nothing more than a vacation from myself. i'm the one person i need a break from. and so i went home, worked at a job i hated, and lost somewhere between 15 and 19 pounds. and then returned to school in august.

and, turns out, i hadn't gotten that much needed vacation. so i attempted to vacate myself, and where i made space, an eating disorder rushed in.

there is still an underlying frustration and anger that countless medical professionals, educators, friends were unable to help me. but at the end of the day the eating disorder took root because...

well, because, i didn't love myself. (i don't think i even liked myself).

i thought i did. or, at least, i didn't realize that i did not.

i've never admitted that before. but there you have it.

the process of getting better--of recovering--has really been the process of falling in love with myself. and let me be clear, it was not a process of learning to love myself, but of actually falling head over heals for myself. for my dark brown hair and caustic sense of humor. for my big feet and ostensibly gracious demeanor (i've got you all hoodwinked!).

there is a joy that follows. that comes from learning to look on yourself as God or the Holy Spirit or your inner divinity looks on you. it's the closest thing to Heaven i've ever known.

it's still a day by day thing. good days and bad days and heavenly days. but day by day, nonetheless.