FOOD AND HEALTH//

the summer after my first year of college i developed a severe eating disorder (non-purging bulimia). i was finally diagnosed at the start of my fourth year and have spent the many, many years since on that strange and wonderful journey towards recovery and health.

while there has been much written about the peculiarities and particulars of eating disorders, little has been written about all that goes into getting better (and just how long and slow that process is).

what follows below is post after post charting my own progression in the hope that others might find comfort in knowing they are not alone and that it does and it will get better. 

the thing is, this isn't just the story--the progression--of recovering from a severe illness. it is the story of ferreting out happiness, of returning from the edge of absolute sadness and discovering a real peace. some of the posts are not explicitly about the eating disorder, but they are part of that journey nonetheless.

(it is a lot of information and much of it's repetitive, but here it is, all in one place)...

my hope is that this will help others struggling, but particularly the family and friends of those who struggle--so that in some small way they may understand and be supportive and positive and healthy ways (because few things are so important) 

the story of my eating disorder and the winding, circuitous road to health:
...from the beginning...

an introduction.
how i came to know NED.
spring is hard.
a story.
miracle of miracles.
ned be gone.
NYC and it's calorie count law (i don't like it).
the story of ned.
start of a new year.
cannot admit depression.
blue jeans.
the white flag.
not wanting to feel.
on giving up diet coke.
setback.
on the importance of really hard exercise.
on trying to write about it all (the disorder/and the path to wellness).
the first step.
eating meat. or not.
small victories
eating well is a constant choice.
making small goals each week.
getting rid of the scale
forty pounds
the danger of fat talk
5 point roadmap to health
green pants.
friday night cab ride.
eat real food (so simple)!
when i start to get sad.
food has a cost.
figuring out happiness.
food as a political issue.
getting to the good part.
the eight word prayer.
claiming the land.
the swell and the breath.
on emerging from a funk.
i mostly think falling in love with music made me well in a way nothing else could // more proof of that // and again
on beauty.
a list: i love myself enough to...
in inches.
a cookie and coffee for dinner.
these are the ways to love yourself (to forgive).
cleaning out my closet.
two months doing weight watchers. six years battling an eating disorder.
on why i'm actually thankful for the damn thing.
perfect bodies. cellulite. and a little rebellion.
on eating burgers again.
on owning jeans. finally. 


INFINITIES. ding-dong-the-witch-is-dead!



...to where i am now...



inspiration and information:

Janna Dean: healing the body image // healthy body image for our children // weight doesn't matter
fat talk (video)
so much happiness
women in advertising (video)
scarlett johansson speaks out
body image is still a thing (hello giggles)
audrey tautou's wise words
happiness is (quote)

just say no... to sugar


may i also suggest FAT, SICK, AND NEARLY DEAD, as well as, HUNGRY FOR CHANGE (both streaming on Netflix).

what i'm eating. (the expanded edition). day two.

so immediately upon beginning this experiment (to document what i eat for a week) i thought: this is a terrible idea. not only am i not an authority on what's healthy and what's not, but frankly, i barely have the energy to photograph everything i eat. 

and then there's the fact that i've chosen a week that stress has infiltrated my life on every level. when i went to visit tom (my life guru) this week, that's basically what we decided: stress is disrupting my sleep to the point that i am exhausted.all.the.time. which leads to a lot of crying and the like. and it doesn't just affect sleep, it affects appetite too--in that, i don't have much of one. this is a welcome release from the days i'd overeat to deal with stress, but not super healthy, nonetheless. 

but i made a commitment, so here we go: day two. 

1. soy latte
2. i have a tendency to sip on my latte for so long that i miss breakfast all together and opt for an early lunch. today it was two slices of spelt with pumpkin seeds (surprisingly good for you, those seeds) with cheddar cheese, and avocado thrown in for nutrition and color. and yes, of course the bread was buttered for the pan! {i'm going through a major grilled cheese phase}.
2. asparagus with oil and salt. i need more veggies in my life, this was an attempt.
3. i knew i had to eat something before work, but frankly i didn't want to. i hopped over to whole foods and the only thing drawing my eye was guacamole and chips, which i'm gonna level with you--not the best i've had.
4. when work let off after 11 i went with my girlfriends to a wine bar where they sipped their spirits and i imbibed quite a bit of a cheese plate with pears and walnuts.

if nothing else, let this be the take-away:

life happens. some days stress gets the best of us. and some days it doesn't. some days you're hungry for everything in sight. and somedays you're not. most diets i know don't allow for this variation of life. you eat the same amount each day. and that's just false. that sets you up with this false notion. it's okay to eat more some days and less others. life has a way of balancing out--and we gotta trust that--as opposed to putting some false construct on top of that and trying to fit everything into a box.

what i'm eating. (the expanded addition). day one.

not long after graduating college a good girlfriend turned me on to a blog: the actor's diet. the whole premise behind the blog was to show in a real way what an actor ate day-by-day. 

what i took away from lynn's blog is that here was a woman who had struggled for years with eating issues and she had moved past disordered eating by...actually eating. and she felt good, felt beautiful, and had a slim, healthy body that she empowered her when walking into auditions. 

i remember looking at her blog all those years ago and thinking, wow, this girl actually eats! she eats quite a bit! in truth, she eats a totally normal amount (but it seemed so much more than the amount i thought i needed to eat to lose weight {1,000 calories, it turns out, doesn't look like so much--mostly because it isn't}).

i always bristle when reading magazines or health articles that say you can lose weight while eating a hamburger, can you believe it?! or a square of chocolate won't undo everything, so go ahead, indulge!!

it is my deep-seated belief that you can lose weight eating anything. all in moderation. yes, stay away from processed foods and choose fruits and veggies when possible, but a hamburger isn't the worst thing in the world. 

the same friend who introduced me to the actor's blog suggested that i do something similar: reveal what i eat as a way of providing some information. 

i've been hesitant because i don't want anyone to look at this and think it's a roadmap. someone else may eat exactly what i eat and have a totally different experience. eating is an experiment. you have to find what works for you. and that means trial and error and a little failure. because at the end of the day it's not really about food, is it? loving one's body is about loving one's self. and the more you love your self the more your body rolls with the punches. the more forgiving it becomes and the more it works to give you exactly what you've always wanted. 

for one week (just one week, i promise) i will endeavor here to show you what i eat. please, take it with a grain of salt. it's my way of saying you don't have to have your coffee with low-fat milk to have a happy body. and you don't have to cut out nachos. in fact you can have full-fat milk and grilled cheese sandwiches and a piece of chocolate cake and wake up each morning feeling better than you did the day before. 

what i'm going to attempt to show is the anti-diet. the take-much-of-what-you've-been-told-and-turn-it-on-its-head lifestyle.

day one: wednesday

i have a latte more often than i'd like to admit. not because i'm ashamed of the drink, but because of the cost associated with it. i take mine with either soy milk or full-fat whole milk. i don't add sugar, but a a hefty-shake of cinnamon keeps me in good stead. 

for a while there i experimented with a vegan way of life. but it was an experiment. and what i came away with is that right now, it's not for me. most mornings i have two eggs (full eggs, not just the egg whites), full fat cheese, on either one or two slices of spelt bread. spelt was a bit of an acquired taste--but now i'm smitten with its nutty flavor. 

one of the things that i don't particularly love about my life right now is that i often leave home knowing i'll be gone for hours and hours and hours upon end. yesterday was a rare day in which i packed lunch/dinner. pumpkin filled ravioli with a little bit of olive oil and salt + a slice of spelt bread with a hefty bit of peanut butter. 

one of my absolute favorite salads is arugula with toasted pine nuts (you must toast them--the flavor is so much better!), capers, and a bit of oil (i use olive mixed with walnut). it's so simple, but i tell ya, it packs a punch. 

when i arrived home at just after one in the morning (yes) i made myself some nachos. yes, i ate nachos at one in the morning and there wasn't a lick of guilt anywhere in sight. tortilla chips, refried beans, cheddar cheese, and jalepenos. all washed down with soda water. this photo makes it look totally unappealing, but don't be fooled. it was darn good. 

(the only things not pictured were some salted almonds i had at work and a few handful of reduced-fat cheeze-its. i do not believe in reduced-fat anything. i think foods should be consumed in their whole form. but that's all that was there and i got hungry during the course of my six hour shift. sometimes you gotta take what you can get). 

don't worry, this blog isn't about to become one on which i'm constantly revealing what i eat. and then showing you how thin i am. this is not meant to be a guide to nutrition nor a this-is-how-to-get-thin series. this is just my way of combating all those 1,500 calorie a day segments in the health magazines in which the food is all so darn "healthy" and always leaves me feeling bad about myself. 

just a week. another experiment. because my body--my health is still, very much a work-in-progress. 

i'm actually tremendously thankful for the damn thing

i remember the first time i told tom i was glad to have had the eating disorder.  it must have been nearly three years ago and i probably didn't use the past tense because it was still very much present. he immediately challenged the statement: you're glad you had it, or you're glad in spite of it?

 

that question has hung in the air between us for years now. tom knows the answer. and he knew, even those three years ago, that i knew--deep down i already knew. but he also knew it would take the intervening time to know i knew and then be able to articulate it. 

 

yes. the whole thing. the whole fiasco of a thing (a thing i would never wish on anyone) i count as one of the great blessings of my life. 

 

and let me tell you why: the eating disorder proved the single greatest educator of my life. or if not the educator, it was at least the classroom in which i learned.

1. don't put all of your eggs in one basket.  happiness is a tricky thing, wouldn't you say? it's always somewhere else. over there. contingent upon when i's and if i's and the like. for me, for so long, it was well, when i'm thin, if i ever get thin then i'll be happy. i won't feel sadness, i won't feel anxious. i'll get the parts i want, i'll get the guy i want, i won't have to worry about sidelong glances from this person or that person, i won't have to fear.  i won't have to fear.  that was probably the big one. thin would eradicate all the ills of my life. it would be the plateau on which i would coast. here's the thing. thin does none of those things. absolutely not one. don't get me wrong, it has its advantages, but it does not heal relationships--it doesn't heal the part of yourself that is so hurting and broken--the part of you that becomes co-conspirator in this fallacy so that it gets left alone to fester and brood. a few years ago when i was coming out of the worst of the disease, but still very much in it, i dated a man many years my senior who made me feel like a giant among women (in the best possible way) until he didn't. you're so young, he would complain. you have so much to learn, he'd reproach. and all i could think was, but i'm trying. are you? i wake each morning fighting to get better and be more and inviting the demons into the ring with me. do you?  he wasn't worth it. so i didn't really ask those questions. he's not the only person i've cared deeply for who i look at and think, all that wasted time. all those many years spent disliking yourself--spent focusing on this or that just to avoid dealing with what you clearly need to deal with.  the eating disorder forced the boil. it made manifest my problems in a way that i couldn't help but deal with them. and for that i'm so tremendously grateful.  the perfect job, the acclaim, the moment you become a parent--if you expect those singular moments in time will bring lifelong happiness, well you set yourself up for one hell of a fallout when you wake up weeks, months, years later and realize it wasn't everything you expected it to be.  and man, does that fall hurt.  i may be getting a late start now on certain things (careers and relationships and the like), but i'm pretty damn confident in the foundation i've built.

two months. six years.

i don't know that i've ever felt so beautiful as i did this past summer.

something shifted and i felt myself living in my body, breathing as a relatively normal person, and thinking, alright, here goes...

and then came september. and october. and november.

and all i could think was oh, shit.

i felt so low. so deep and blue and bruised.

even after all this time i often lack the courage to use the right words. and so i use other words. sadness. i'm feeling blue,i say. to make it palatable, understandable, manageable.

one of my dearest friends, over a cup of coffee, looked right at me and said, we all get blue, meg. that's life. we all have those moments. 

and i knew what she meant and i love her dearly and think her wiser than almost anyone i know, so i closed my mouth, sipped my coffee, and directed the conversation to... something else, anything else. men, probably.

but what i should have said is this: i can handle the blue. i can handle the sad. i don't live in it, i let it pass through. it's this damn eating disorder. it's something all-together, entirely different and it's suffocating. do you understand that? that i'm slowly panicking over here in this corner, and that i'm only ever (at best) two paces from losing it?

it slipped back in this fall. slinked and seeped right through the fissures and fault lines that living a courageous and open life invites. the thing is, to live courageously, to thrash about in the unknown, to stand on the brink, to look down and breathe deeply, these are the things that make one well. in the long run, these are the things that make one well, i know this.

but on the road to well is not-so-well and really-really-really-not-well and a lot of pit stops in between. and it’s exhausting.

it was back in november that i took down the link from the sidebar.

it was back in november that i went home for a week. last minute. unexpected.

why did you take the link down from the side of your blog? my mother asked in one of those talks we had in the car, paused in a parking lot, me crying, her helpless—as any good parent in that situation is. she sat and she listened and cried with me and then asked me that.

because i don’t want that story to define me. i’m done with everyone knowing.

i don’t remember what her response was, but i remember about a month later climbing the hill from my apartment here in new york and having the though: it only defines me if i say it defines me. only with my consent. it is as big or as small as i allow it to be.

and when i’m doing well, as i am most of the time, it’s just as big as i need it to be, which is to say, not at all.

but back in november, the shadow it cast was large and unforgiving. and for a moment there i lost my footing.

everyone i loved told me to let it go. stop thinking about it so much. but i was determined to really know the thing this go round. if i was gonna be stuck in the middle of it I was gonna study it from the inside out and i'd be damned if i didn't emerge just a little bit wiser about the whole thing.

back in college we studied the alexander technique. it is a method of learning about and freeing the body. it has to do with posture and energy and blockages and is tremendously helpful for actors. one of the things you do is trace your body. meaning you, or a partner, feels along the ridges of the collarbone or the shoulder blade or some such--it's meant to help you know the anatomy of the body--to feel the whole size and breadth of each part.

one of the hallmarks of an eating disorder is something called body checking. we most of us do it without even realizing--little things like checking our reflection in the store window or taking note that our pants are a little bit tighter today. but back when i was was really unwell i checked by body often and in strange ways. like feeling for my collarbone--checking to make sure it was there--judging my weight, my worth by that bone alone. or using my middle finger and thumb to see if they could wrap around my wrist. comparison was the hallmark of the body checking. is this easier to do today? can i feel the bone more easily today? i'd ask myself. when i returned to my second year of school having lost nearly twenty pounds from my frame (two months on weight watchers) i remember thinking, it'll be so much easier to trace my body in alexander this year.

oh boy. big red flag.

when i did weight watchers i lost three pounds the first week. and two pounds the week after that. and two just about each week following. and each week i defined myself not by my weight, but by my loss. by the space between. i’m seven pounds less this week, i’d think. seven less than when i began. i’d study my body in the mirror carefully take stock of the changes. my face looked leaner. my collarbone protruded a bit more. this dress fit better than the last time i tried it on. it was never just this dress looks good, it was better than. comparison to a past moment. the difference, the subtraction.

comparison. always, always comparison. comparison isn't just the thief of joy, it is the thief of the present moment and the slippery slope to what feels awfully akin to insanity.

the body is a constantly changing thing so if you keep trying to look for the changes and is it different and maybe it’s not—you loose your footing quickly and you stop seeing it at all. everything’s refracted, distorted, and you lose the sense of which way’s up, which down. it’s a tremendously confusing and terrible way to live your life.

now there is a chance that someone, somewhere is reading this thinking: she lost twenty pounds on weight watchers? okay, that's what i'll do then. and off that person'll trudge to a meeting and they'll count points and follow the plan and they'll lose weight too.

so let me be very clear in how i say this: i did weight watchers for two months. i lost twenty pounds. and i  spent the next six years paying the price.

two months. six years. do the math.

and i followed the plan. i ate the twenty points each day. twenty points was roughly 1,000 calories. 1,000 calories each day is starvation. period.

weight watchers was recommended to me by my pediatrician. 

 

i think i've lost track of why i began writing this post.  something to do with comparison. how coming out of of this last bout of blue had much to do with waking each morning and making the active choice to not study myself in the mirror or lift my shirt to check the flatness of my stomach.

and to put the sidebar (FED) back up.