i would move there for the colors alone.

i've been begging my parents to allow me to post some photos from their recent trip to morocco--to give my usual black and white blog a much needed infusion of color--a feast for the eyes.

what i wouldn't give to go to morocco. the colors! oh, the colors!

or prague. i could live with a trip to prague.

or berlin! oh the underground culture of it all...

in fact, i'm just about going batty waiting for a man to sail me down the dalmatian coast!

let's talk wanderlust...where would you go first?

a perfect arizona weekend.

the arizona landscape.

a spring training game between the angels and giants (see #55 there? that's matsui, last year's yankee and world series mvp).

in-n-out's oh-so-crispy french fries.

the loveliest little wedding i've ever seen.

and more family than a girl (dare i say, anyone) knows what to do with.

the call of the Father.

sitting in church on thursday night i got this craving--a full-body calling.

to go to rome.

and sit in the cool, dark churches.

to saturate myself in the history of my religion.

to begin at the beginning.

the very beginning.

the ritual: incense. sign of the cross. prostration before the alter.

to feel God.

but not to pray.

to listen.

to sit and listen.

to kneel and listen.

to stand humbled before the yawning eclipse of eternity and listen.

and to allow the answer to erupt before me.

to give a direction to this directionless life.

but because i cannot go to rome.

i bought a fresh copy of beach music and called it a day. (or at least a start).

about the beach...

....i went to the beach yesterday.

jones beach.

it was beautiful.

but the wind was a-blowin'.

and the waves were a-churnin'.

and the ocean and me had a knock-down, drag-out fight.

but i am a pacifist.

this is to say..

it was the ocean who knocked me down and dragged me out.

dragged me out good. 

so today, two days, after-the-fact...

i am still finding the most miniscule of sea shells plastered all over my body...

in the most unmentionable of places.

ahhhh...

i love the beach.

a trip to the store.

i remember being little. i remember my brother and i visiting a friend's house. it was early. very early. and we were little. very little. and this friend had a son. an older son. an older son who was still asleep. my brother and i could not understand this. how could someone sleep when there was a day to be had? our friend explained that one day we too would like to sleep in. 

i remember standing there. 

and hearing that. 

and being unable to believe it.

i remember my next-door neighbor on danbury drive was older. she had a pig as a pet. it would run around her yard. and her house. i don't think my parents much cared for this pig. and i remember my next-door neighbor would take care of me. and teach me things. and tell me things. 

once i asked her what she got for christmas. 

she said, clothes. 

i felt sorry for her. 

now i can never get out of bed. 

or have enough new sweaters under the christmas tree.

i'm not sure when it exactly it happened. when i started finding men in suits really attractive. was it the man? or was it the suit? was it that, in the suit, he reminded me of my father? was it that the suit became the talisman of stability? 

i think it was just recently. 

soon. 

soon ago? no, that doesn't make sense. 

not so long ago. 

it was around the same time that clothes took a backseat to home goods. 

ahhh, home goods. 

today i entered the clothing store. today i looked for beautiful pieces in which to wrap this body i am learning to love. and today i abandoned all skirts and shirts and sweaters and pinafores for the plaintive call of the home goods. 

wine glasses. 

and bowls. 

and candle sticks and books. 

and bowls. 

and it is there in the store today--in these things, yes, things, that i see my future. these are the things that will traverse the island of manhattan with me. these are the things that i will bring to our first shared apartment. our first shared house. the things that i will pack and unpack. and pack again. and pray remain intact. 

fingering the glassware carefully, checking for cracks or chips i see his face. on one of our many moves he will screw it into a look of consternation meaning only one thing, really, you want to save those? he will hate them. he will hate the candlesticks i will buy today. this only makes me love them the more. 

and in the wine glasses i see the future dinner parties. and the first evening we clumsily make love, our fear numbed only slightly by the wine. yes, these are the wine glasses--the co-conspirators in our mutual seduction. i see the moment when the four glasses become three become two become one become gone. shattered one night after dinner. slipping through our child's growing fingers. 

i don't know the moment i began to plan for the future. when men in a tailored suits and glass platters became more important than gladiator sandals or a young would-be-actor boyfriend. 

perhaps this is the precursor to the inevitable tick-tick-tick of that biological clock. 

all i know is... that i'm looking forward to making the memories that will give this dowry a value that knows no numbers. 

but...

4 wine glasses 

4 glass cups

2 candlesticks

all for under $52

(including tax)

from Anthropologie

a dowry indeed