from the desk of Meghan Anne Fee.

i've been thinking about names lately:

what's in a name, what they signify? why they can be so hard to shake? how exactly it is that i can fall for a guy based almost entirely on the sound of his voice as he says my name?

i mean is juliet (of romeo and juliet fame) right? is it so easy to "refuse they name" or that "...thy name...is no part of thee."

it's a glorious idea, the "call me but love, and i'll be newly baptized" but is it practical or even possible?

just before the fourth grade we moved to houston i decided to change my name--or rather, shorten it.

it was a bold move for a shy child who held the word of her parents above all else. a way of saying, i prefer this to the name you've given me. sometimes i feel guilt, even now at the age of 24, that i took from my parents something precious and sacred: the right to name your child.

but whatever guilt i felt then was not enough to stop me. so upon entering the new school i introduced myself as meg. and when my teacher began calling me meghan (school forms listed the name in full), i timidly raised my hand, whispered in her ear,

actually, please call me meg,

and it stuck.

i've lived for fourteen years now by this abbreviated version. even my parents call me this. so when someone calls me meghan i tend to balk a little. or... a lot. you know that game operation (the board game from back in the day)? you know how when you miss, the whole game buzzes? that's what it feels like--or makes me think of. my body has a visceral reaction at the assumed level of intimacy.

because the thing is... if my mother doesn't even call me by my full name, then why would anyone else?

i think...actually, names are important. they carry a weight. i always know that when a guy starts calling me by both first and last names that a new, unspoken of something has been reached or crossed.

we've started wearing name-tags at work. and this is how i know it's time to move on. you see, i think (and i know this is a totally unrealistic, romantic, foofy notion) that letting someone in on the secret that is your name is...well, a gift. and while if someone were to ask, i would always tell them, and i would always offer it up upon introduction...i don't know, it's having it emblazoned on a little metal tag that makes it not mine. and it is mine.

i've made plenty of goals for myself this year. and in thinking about them all, i recognize the common theme of courage--fearlessness.

i want to take more risks. try new things.

i'm looking for a new job. and attempting to fold some new things into the blog. for example this:

which you'll begin seeing on some new posts as well as some of my favorite older posts.

it has me reading everything up to this point. (like a book on tape, but for a blog). the good news is that it comes down to preference. if you want to hear me read the post, click-away. if not, don't. recording my posts is just one of many ideas, and probably not my best, but i'm willing to give it a try, so please bear with me.

this post is so scattered. and i'm not even sure what i'm trying to say.

i guess, what i'm trying to say is,

i'm trying.

i'm trying to make my blog more of a priority. i'm trying to find meaningful employment. i'm trying to add pictures. i'm trying to break out of my comfort zone. i'm looking for all those moments when my body feels like i've taken a misstep with

operation

and buzzes away. i'm heading into those moments of discomfort, going in pursuit of the buzz--so that they won't always be so scary.

and as ever, i'm looking for the man who, if he were to say my full-name, my body would light up in all the right ways.

that's where 2010 is leading me. and i'm happy to be along for the ride.

a new year, a new year.

my great wish? that 2010 brings us all more laughter than we know what to do with.

and that i learn to deliver a joke with a straight face!

Happy New Year!

i've been thinking about this impending new year a lot in the last few weeks.

i love new years, birthdays--any time the calendar gives us a chance to begin again.

i make long lists. carefully note all the things i'd like to change about myself.

i suppose it goes back to all those after-school-specials where the geeky kid comes back from summer vacation transformed. i've been waiting for that all my life. the day i suddenly wake up and have it... together (for lack of a better word).

but, i'm laughing as i write this, because i'm realizing it probably happens that way for very few (if at all).

and while i have goals for this year, and wishes and great aspirations, i'll write them down next week. because for today i resolve to accept that where i am right now, is just fine. perfect in fact. and there is nothing to change. only bits and pieces to add.

today i resolve to resolve nothing.

that being said, below are some words and images i'm pocketing away to take with me into this new year.

may 2010 bring you all that you've ever wished for. i cannot thank you all enough for your kind words, support, and continued encouragement. your presence and friendships have brought me so much more that i'll ever be able to convey to you.

see you in the new year!

with all the love i have to give,

meg

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times a little hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Marilyn Monroe

let's go said he

not too far said she

what's too far said he

where you are said she

e.e. cummings

"People discuss my art and pretend to understand as if it were necessary to understand, when it's simply necessary to love."

Claude Monet

images 1 (quote picture), 2, 4, and 5 via sabino

3, 6, 7, and 8 via tweexcore

Sunday night is no longer girl's night.

We had so much fun with Brian last week, we just had to have him back.

Angela made pasta and chocolate cake (with apple sauce instead of oil) and I just about ate myself into oblivion. Yes...it was that good. And then we watched American Idol, a show I've never seen. And so let me say this...I am a convert. Body and soul. That shit is funny. Okay? Seriously, I can't stop laughing. Two girls performed a rap that involved the line, "why to trying to stealing my cookie from me?" And I thought, yes girls, yes.

So the lovely Sheilia of Hawaii commented (and I quote) "I sometimes fantasize about being single again through your blog..." and so I sat back, sighed, and then patted myself on the back. Yes, yes, I'm such a good--such a model single gal. And then I flashed back on Christmas  break and my mom's loudly-voiced concern that I don't date enough. And let's be honest, part of being single (one of the best parts) is dating. And I just don't do it. Ever (besides the storied blind-date). 

So I pose the following question: Am I really, truly a single gal AND am I really, truly doing single gals justice if I don't shop around?

Let's look at the evidence:

1. Angela and I stayed in Saturday night watched Pride and Prejudice (love, love, love me the Mr. Darcy in the updated version) followed by Sense and Sensibility. 

2. I then  attempted to make oatmeal cookies using only splenda, real oats,organic puree pumpkin paste, and coffee-mate. I got sick about five minutes after my first bite (yes, Angela, you tried to warn me). 

3. As for Friday night... (a)I was something of a third wheel with Vic and Rob. (b) I cringed when Erin tried to introduce me to a boy (a very cute boy). (c) And I never got up the courage to introduce myself to the other cute boy I was crushin' on.

Okay, so that's a rhetorical question...of course I'm a single gal. But I'm tired of being the single gal who doesn't date. So ladies, hide your men because I'm hittin' the town. The good news is...I've gotten a job...at a restaurant...and it has a revolving door. A revolving door where men may enter perhaps? Oh boy, I sound a little raunchy. My point is...never too late to add an addendum to that New Year's resolution. 

Look Mom, I cooked!

It's a new year indeed.